life´s simple pleasures

Saludos familia y amigos!

Today I came home from work and was so anxious to blog--i felt like i had so much to say, so much to tell---so I literally "ran" to the cyber--and on my way passed a bloody chicken head, smelt horrible burning trash, heard blasting reggaeton from one of our bizarre neighbor´s house, and the entire time was grinning from ear to ear. i feel like i´m glowing---maybe that´s because i´m actually sweating right now, but you get the picture.

These past two weeks have been ridiculous. Jam packed with so much. The last time I wrote I was anxiously awaiting my first retreat group from Villanova and while I still don´t really know what they felt/thought of their experience here, for me---it was a life-giving week. All of my nerves were immediately calmed after meeting them and feeling their energy and enthusiasm. I could not have anticipated a better experience---their reflections were so profound, I would literally leave them with insight that I had never even thought of before. During one of the reflections I had voiced how I just FEEL so much here, everything is intensified--things are never just¨"good" or "bad"---they are extreme--amazing or horrible...I never have just mezza mez days, they range from "wow, this day was absolutely beautiful, I cannot get over how much love I feel" to "holy shitt this world is so ugly and I´m just so angry and upset with what i´m living" Literally, this is the polarity of my emotions. But then, one of the retreatants said to me, "Jamie at least you feel"---and I had never really thought about this before. How easy it is to go through life in the mundane---to wake up go to work, eat lunch, come home, work out, eat dinner, go to bed---and then repeat. While a lot of times what I feel is harsh and raw and cruel, she forced me to recognize, at least I feel. At least I know my heart is working right? As tough as it is, I think I would rather be this full of emotion than feel nothing at all....so yeah, just something to ponder.

Ultimately, Villanova forced me to question A LOT---a lot about my purpose here, a lot about my intentions, and most importantly a lot about my faith. After they left, I felt completely disoriented and thrown for a loop, but again, I find this to be a good thing. The questions are good---I don´t want to have these firm beliefs that can´t be tested or questioned, or be so single minded that I am ignorant or stubborn to other ways of thinking. A few of them recommended I read some books by Shane Claiborne, and while I was hesitant at first, I´m finding a lot of meaning in them. If anyone has any free time for some pleasure reading, (or some thought provoking matieral) I would definitely recommend The Irresistible Revolution---it´s so eye opening--and just puts "life" so simply and honestly. Check it out if you have time, seriously. So all in all---Villanova=great group. I feel so blessed to have been able to get to know them and have such intense conversations about this life we´re all living. At times I felt like I was the one on retreat and they were leading me.

So this past weekend our entire RdC community went on our own retreat down to the beach in Las Playas...it could not have come at a more perfect time--our community has been going through some pretty difficult things, and we all really needed this time to take a step back, breathe, and restore ourselves. It was such a beautiful weekend. We stayed at a friend of Rostro´s beach house, and it was absolutely perfect. While the weather was overcast (and I still managed to get severely burned) it was nice to have a cozy weekend away and space to think and reflect. The whole time I felt like i was a part of a big family reunion--with all my cousins, etc. It´s hard to describe but you know those days when it´s cloudy and a little chilly and you can put on a sweatshirt and sweatpants and still sit outside on the beach and be perfectly content enjoying the weather---it was like that, wow what a run on--i liked it better because it was cool and i could be cozy-- sort of thing--if that makes any sense at all ha. And there were tons of hammocks on the roof--talk about a perfect spot. Waking up in the morning, and taking my journal up to the roof with a blanket and just letting my thoughts flow--such a great way to wake up. And we ate like Americans haha! french toast, apples, deli sandwiches, hamburgers, oreos, m & ms, chicken, doritos, starburst, salad, granola, yogurt--it was a feast let me tell you---but so overdue. never in my life would i think i´d be so excited over a turkey sandwich and ruffles haha---oh the simple pleasures. We laughed so much too about ridiculous things, played soccer on the beach, swam in the huge waves--even though it was pretty cold, and had some great conversations. Mary and I also sang a lot of broadway tunes which was wonderful obvi...i´m not sure what the others thought about it, but we certainly enjoyed ourselves ha!

Most of the retreat focused on our five senses---and getting back in tune with them. I feel like i´ve used the word sensory overload a lot here, and this past weekend, we had a chance to re-evaluate exactly what we are constantly sensing. We also examined five questions continuously during the retreat---- "What do I know, what do i value, what do i feel, what do i do, and what do i need?" it seems so easy right? but if you really think about it, these five questions are pretty difficult, and a little overwhelming. I´ve basically come to the conclusion that I don´t know much at all, that I need a heck of a lot, that i´m not really sure what exactly i do, that most of the time i feel confused, and essentially I value love above all things. Period. That´s about as far as I got after a lot of reflection and endless ruminating. We used these five questions to talk about ourselves, to talk about our relationship with God and to talk about our communities. It was such an interesting exercise. Again it sounds so simple, but try it, you may find yourself really surprised.

And what else...I feel like there should be more, but for right now i´m pretty exhausted---I actually wrote this entry in two sittings because I ran out of time and had to get to Semillas....which I need to note was stellar today---only 15 kiddos, and they were little angels. So sweet and cute and quiet! We colored, we played games, it was awesome. What a way to start the week :-)

So I think i´m going to end on that good note---Tom and I are making grilled cheese tonight for dinner with banana smoothies. I´m not gonna lie, i´m pretty pumped for that.

Please continue praying for me and my community---we´re trying so hard to live in harmony, and be loving towards each other, but as you can imagine i´m sure, it´s really difficult at times.....still we move forward---adelante!

I love you all so much, and miss you dearly! I´m going to try and post some pictures really soon--but again, these darn computers are so stinking slow!

Con un abrazo fuerte, y un monton de besitos,
Lupita

oh happy day....

so i feel good...no i feel great right now.

this has been a beautiful week so far. lots and lots of laughter, lots of bonding, and lots of sighs of relief....i´m finally finding a rhythm.

i think it started last friday with our RdC day of reflection. about every month our whole group comes together to reflect upon what´s going on thus far...how are we feeling, what´s on our minds, and there´s also a lot of focus placed on the pillars of which Rostro is based on. this past week we talked a lot about simplicity. at first it seemed really easy to put attention on material simplicity and how we´re doing in regards to that; what are we eating, how much are we spending, what are we doing wtih our spare time yadda yadda, and while a lot of times it can seem extreme what i may be doing--the whole no internet in the house, no ipod, no tv, no coffee pot, no air conditioning and the list goes on....i think what last friday really allowed me to focus on was spiritual and mental simplicity. let me try and explain. and in doing so, i´m going to refer to one of the readings that was given to us by thomas merton on detachment. merton basically writes a lot about how we can become "attached" to so many things in life, so many thoughts, so many ideas, so many expectations, fears, people, goals, habits----and that these attachments can become barriers to attaining the peace and tranquility that God has reserved for us. i for one am attached to so many things, i´m attached to my fears, my habits, my expectations for this year and for my life, to my relationships---so many worries, so many thoughts that keep me from letting go, from just "being". there is only so much i can control, i have to stop, i have to just let life take its course and live every moment gracefully and as fully as i possibly can.

this week both at semillas and at redima i really tried to just "be". i took in every detail, every conversation, every observation, paused, reflected, prayed, and did my best to be present in everything i did. whether it was listening to a patient talk about her trials in trying to get pregnant, or help jonathan with his math activity, i put every ounce of energy i had into what was happening in these moments. while it may have not been completely successful all the time, i.e. i still got upset and frustrated with certain things, by the end of most days, i felt i was not as emotionally exhausted as i normally am. for the first time since i´ve been here, i felt that this week i was able to really bond with my community mates, to laugh and talk and shoot the shitt with them. i felt lighter, and carefree, and just happier. we even danced it was great! oh but i guess i should include a funny little story, that is so ironic really....

so yes i am adopting this new mindset, of letting go, of just living fully and trying to not stress, but as always i am far from perfect. so thursday-- dan and i got into a little heated discussion, no okay lets say argument---our first really big one---and i was pissed...i´m not going to go into details, but what ended up happening was me storming out of the kitchen and slamming my bedroom door hard, like really hard....while i simmered in there for a solid ten minutes, karla finally came to the door and asked if she could come in (she has been such a rock for me here, i can´t even tell you how supportive she has been with me)....knowing fully that i had just made a really immature move and acted like a baby i said yes, and asked her to come in....well here came the problem. she couldn´t open the door. it was stuck/jammed---yes i broke it---totally broke it, and remained stuck in my room for another fifteen minutes while karla and michele tried to free me. this ended with having to take the door knob off and using many different tools to pry the door open. mind you i couldn´t just jump out the window because we have bars on them....so yes i was indeed locked in my room...the irony of it was just perfect, God was laughing at me for losing my temper and patience, and i couldnt help but laugh as well...neither could dan, who after i escaped had the biggest smirk on his face. needless to say, i apologized, and we had a good conversation after the fact. and at least it ended on a positive note....well not for tom who has to fix the door. ha!

so que mas....oh! this weekend, our community mates from mt. sinaii have also been staying with us, and that has just been fabulous! i love having them here in arbolito--they are the four volunteers from last year who decided to stay another year and work on building a new community about 45 minutes away from duran. we have had so much fun with them. last night we went to our guard abrahan´s 32 birthday party--our first ecua party---and honestly it was not as awkward as i anticipated it to be. i mean it was ridiculous, but doable. the invitation said 8:30p, but of course you don´t show up until 2 hours after the fact in ecuador, so the 15 of us gringos showed up at 10:30 to a room filled with ecuadorians, blasting music, a fog machine, and lots of salsa dancing. we didn´t stick out or anything. ;-)

but in all seriousness, it was fun. we danced, or at least tried to, we ate, and attempted to chat amidst the unbearably loud music. that was pretty futile considering i can barely understand spanish when people are screaming it at me in a silent room---so this involved a lot of head nodding and smiling ha---at 2oclock when we left, the party was still going on, and continued to go on till 7:30am this morning---how do we know that, oh yeah we live down the street from abrahan´s house! so some of us could still hear it!

not really much else to comment on---i just want to reiterate how much better i am doing, after so many negative posts---geeze i reread some of my entries and even felt bad for myself---i swear, i´m better--smiling and still crazy, but more my usual self. which for some of you i´m sure is a relief. i think some of it may have to do with the pancake breakfast theresa and i made for dinner thursday night---having chocolate chip pancakes can put anyone in a good mood. oh also! my retreat group is coming TONIGHT!! ahh i´m so nervous, but really pumped--it´s villanova, and i´ve only heard amazing things about them. i´m excited to walk through this experience with them, and see Duran through their eyes. i think it will be a nice refresher to some of the things that i have gotten immune to, and also bring in some new perspectives about this community. a great learning experience for both of us....so as nervous as i am, i really hope it goes well, and would appreciate any prayers you all have to offer up to them and to me for this upcoming ten days! added perk--no work this week!!! woot woot! but i will inevitably be exhausted i´m sure, i´ve heard retreat groups take SO much out of you, but are well worth it in the end...time will tell...

alright, well i´ve gotta run---still so many things to do before they get here, and we have BINGO tonight at our church at 7---talk about excitement, no seriously, im excited! ha

i know i owe so many people personal emails, but we have lost power three times this week and the internet has not been functioning here in arbolito---i promise i will get back to you, i just can´t say when, it might not be for another ten days after this group, but i have not forgotten!

i love and miss you all, and thank you for your continued support! i´m smiling as i write this knowing that it´s saturday for you as well, and hopefully the majority of you are relaxing and taking in a nice october evening!

con un abrazo y un monton de besitos,
lupita

a crazy day at semillas...you mean everyday?

so yesterday we had a bleeder---and boy was it a bleeder....

typical start to semillas---around 30 kids, hot as hell, buenas tardes niños, etc., usual start up---things were going pretty well for the first hour, lots of noise, lots of kids, but all within the normal of chaos. during recreo i was sitting talking with one of the new girls who was there for the first time, all very peaceful and quiet, trying to help her with her english hw when Luis (remember el poo poo) runs up to me screaming and crying: "Abrahan se cayo!! golpeo su cabeza Abrahan se cayo!! (he fell, he hit his head!)" complete panic in his face...so i get up and start running with him over to the playground area where Abrahan is, and when i get there i literally almost threw up. kind of like that feeling when you get the wind knocked out of you. there was little abrahan, 4 years old, sitting COVERED in blood. like when i tell you his entire face, his entire shirt, arms, everything, covered in blood. and he´s sitting there screaming bloody murder. at that moment i almost went into panic mode and started freaking out, BUT i knew i had to stay calm for his sake and put on the nurse face. the fact that he was conscious and breathing and screaming was a good thing, so i just scooped him up and started running--to where? i really had no idea, so i headed to one of the classrooms-- luckily the kid only weighs about twenty pounds.

*Later Dan, Karla and I joked about their perceptions of what they thought i looked like throughout this drama: Karla: "you looked like you were part of a scene in Hotel Rwanda" ---Dan: "you looked like David Hasselhoff in Baywatch"---yeah, not really sure what else to say about that ha. i think i´d rather portray Don Cheadle any day than David Hasselhoff haha

so of course by now this scene has attracted pretty much every other kid at semillas so along with screaming abrahan i´ve got about 20 other kids asking me ¿que paso, que paso? luckily we had a bunch of ayudantes helping us out and they shooed them out of the room. after laying abrahan down and looking for the source of the blood we realized that it wasn´t really as bad as it looked, yeah it was a gash, but definitely not going to kill him. it was just the enormous amount of blood that scared everyone, as it would anywhere.

in the states he probably would´ve gotten a staple or two, definitely at least a trip to the ED, but here, no hay. so once he was all cleaned up, i.e. basically stripped down to just his shorts, he calmed a little, but then when he looked at his little scooby doo t-shirt covered in blood and started screaming again. so now we´re all like it´s okay, its just a t-shirt, and he´s saying, no, no, de pega, de pega---meaning, "i´m gonna get hit, if i come home with this dirty bloody shirt". that´s when i pretty much lost it. here´s this poor kid, so traumatized by the blood, and then by the cut, and now all he can worry about is when he goes home with his bloody t-shirt he´s going to get hit. oh! and how can i forget, when his sister saw him, Carmen, who´s 7, she had a panic attack, again not because he fell and got hurt, but because she was gonna get beat for not taking care of him. yeah she´s 7.....the whole absurdity of the situation was just too extreme for me. i just got so angry and upset. so of course what did i do---i take abrahans clothes, run home, and scrub the shitt out of them, getting every bit of blood and dirt out so that these kids won´t get hit for having ruined them. i was practically in tears, but so determined to "fix" this situation.

when i got back to semillas i revealed the newly cleaned shirt and again tried to calm Carmen and Abrahan down, also explaining to them that we would go to their house after semillas and talk to their parents. they were still worried, but we got through the rest of the afternoon. it was just such a crazy day i can´t even explain. luckily things at their house went down well and as far as we know, no one got hit after the fact. it´s hard too because we know kids sometimes exaggerate and say "my mom´s gonna beat me if she finds out"-- i´m pretty sure we´ve all at some point made this comment, but here, when kids say it, it´s usually whats happening in the house. parent´s use violence as discipline---kids get beat when they do something wrong---that´s why there´s so much violence at semillas...whenever something goes wrong with whatever a kid is doing, their first instinct is to hit, punch, or kick the kid that offended them. it´s just so frustrating. as much as we try to "use our words" or "talk it out", there is no reinforcement of this back in the casa. so yeah...you can imagine how shot my nerves were by the end of the day :-)

on a happier note---yesterday was my first day driving in Duran! and i did really well! Megan took me out around the neighborhood and i only stalled like 3 times. very successful if i do say so---not only was i driving standard, but a huge ass truck!(and for all of you who´ve seen george, you know i´m a foreigner when it comes to suvs/trucks)

another happy note, mondays are mail days! probably my favorite day of the week (well when i get mail anyway) and yesterday i got not 1 but 3 packages!!! all from my mom of course, but they were filled with lots of sweets and the most recent People mag which made me so happy! i felt like i was back in voute 509 eating a granola bar reading about the latest john and kate drama---a very peaceful evening at least! i´ve also received so many great letters since i´ve been here which is just so awesome---having something tangible to keep reading, especially after a tough day really makes so much of a difference---i can´t thank you all enough for those! especially Jen, Kaki, Nicole, Robbie, Amanda, and in particular my grandma who sends me a letter a week! how special do i feel!

so that about sums up the latest here in ecua-world....i´ve still been hanging out with lupe regularly, eating many breakfasts and lunches with her throughout the weeks, with lots of other snacks throughout the day! everytime i walk by her house i always feeling like she´s handing me something, an orange, or a caramelo, or a chicken leg! she shouts, "lupita, venga!" and i know she´s got something to share with me ha, it´s both a great thing and a dangerous thing! and no one takes no for an answer here, if they offer, you take. punto.

well i´ve gotta hit the road, dinner will be ready soon, and i don´t wanna be late! hope all is well in the US----keep me posted on the latest news! i still miss you all everyday and hope that you´re all smiling and laughing a ton!

lots of love being sent your way, abrazos fuerte y muchos besitos,
lupita

Who would´ve thought?

Don´t have much time today, but I just wanted to give a quick thought about my work at Redima.

So this past week, I worked one on one with a new pediatrician named Viviana---she was helping our clinic out this week because our pedi doc was on vacation. Viviana is 33 years old, so sweet, vibrant, funny, and an awesome teacher! When I first met her, she was just so warm and wanted to know if i´d like to help her. I of course said sure, and this past week we worked as such a dynamic team.

While many of you know, kids are not my forte, you´d be surprised to know how much fun I had this week. Viviana let me do basically all of the assessments and asked me what I thought and what meds I would prescribe and what was normal and what wasn´t. It felt like I was back in clinical, just doing everything in spanish. This past week I saw a girl with appendicitis, an extreme case of thrush like i´ve never seen before, a broken leg (two weeks after the break), and many MANY cases of asthma and bronchitis. Oh and how can I forget Giardia---EVERYONE here has giardia!

All of the sudden, my nursing knowledge is coming back to me, and i´m back in the swing of doing that lovely nursing process. Subjective data, objective data, lung sounds, bowel sounds, reflexes, lab values, teaching, explaining, caring---dare to care, anyone? ha--sorry had to.

I finally feel like I´m doing the work i´m supposed to be doing. Not that anything is or was beneath me because its not, but working with a pedi doc is really challenging me, and pushing my assessment skills outside the box. I´m learning how to do an exam in Spanish, i´m learning how to explain disease processes in spanish, and i´m learning all of the different meds in spanish. It´s exhausting, but at the same time, I can´t get over how much my mind is expanding. While I still don´t know if i´d like to pursue being a pedi NP after this, I am really starting to consider getting my masters immediately after this year. Becoming a family NP is something that I have thought about a lot, because I really love clinic work and feel that basic primary care is ESSENTIAL in healthcare.

Viviana is unfortunately only with us for another week, but her clinic is on the other side of town, and i´ve been told I could work there a day or two every week. I am elated with this idea, and am definitely going to look into this possibility. It´s funny too because I feel like if I did stay around boston to pursue a masters, like i contemplated, Viviana would be someone who i´d love to have as a preceptor, and look at that---it´s like God was watching out for me! I swear, things happen for a reason.

So yeah--life at Redima is good. Semillas---well that´s another story, but I don´t even wanna get into it because i´m in a good mood right now. Let´s just say TGIF.

Tomorrow we´re going out to CHIFA, ha a chinese restaurant, to celebrate steve´s birthday! woot woot! Last night we had a really fun community night where we played Tom´s version of monopoly--let´s just say it was interesting, involved a lot of dancing, question asking, and playing flip cup with Tang ha, what can i say, we make due with what we´ve got here! The best part for me was passing GO and collecting TWO chocolate chips! heaven i swear! At this point my cravings for sweets have gotten out of control---what I wouldn´t do for a freaking bag of m and ms!!!!

Oh and a quick family update---my parents are leaving for Italy one week from today!!! so excited for them, and also, my brother is going to be able to fly over and meet them from Spain! so awesome right! so please keep them and safe travels in your prayers.

Also, my grandmother had bypass surgery this past week, and thankfully is recovering well. It was definitely a shock to me when I heard this, and although I´ve been worrying a lot, she´s doing better. Please keep her in your hearts as she enters into a long road of recovery and rehab. She´s such a trooper and i´m just so grateful that the surgery went well.

Sending you all my love, and lots of besitos!
Paz,
Jamie

Respira

First---I need to thank all of you. Thank you for your emails, your comments, and most of all your prayers. The outpouring of love I received after that last blog entry was unreal. You are all so special to me, and the words you wrote felt like you were right here with me, talking me through these hard times.

I need to let you all know that I am doing MUCH better. After many tears and lots of conversations, my head is finally clearing, and I can see the forest through the trees. I have started really focusing on living moment by moment, and allowing the chaos to pass me while keeping the peace. There are probably about ten times each day where I just need to step back and remind myself to breathe...but this is definitely a good thing, and I recommend everyone take a try at this---it´s amazing how much we hold onto and forget to let go of.

So probably the highlight of this past week was being introduced to my new best friend here in Ecuador. And shocking, guess what her name is....yes that´s right, LUPE!!! it´s like it was fate. We were destined to be friends. Lupe is a long time friend of Rostro, and I had the pleasure of meeting her last week over a delicious lunch she prepared. When I tell you we are the same person, we are the same person, well except that she´s 45 and i´m only 22, but you get the idea. Her house is adorable, so clean, so neat, beautifully decorated, and so full of love. She has three kids and three grandchildren all who are adorable.

The first conversation we had was right when I was going through my "spell" of sadness, and I just started balling when she was talking about how while we´re here in Ecuador, she is here to be whatever we need her to be, be that friend, sister, mentor, or temporary mom. Her house was open to us whenever, and we could spend as much time or as little time there as we wanted to there. She could cook for us, sit with us, go to the market with us, or just laugh with us, whenever we needed. Her door will always be open, and arms always ready to pick us up when we need it. Well...after that little speech, I lost it. Literally, I was just sobbing there on her couch. Feeling so broken, while at the same time so relieved. Not to mention that the soundtrack from Forrest Gump was playing in the background. It was all very cathartic, and I tried to explain as best I could that she was exactly what I needed in Ecuador. The whole thing was very comforting, very loving, very Hallmark, but so soothing.

After that, we´ve been off and running. I hang out there A LOT, and have already become close friends with her family. I think they´ve really taken me under their wing, and kind of adore the fact that i´m the "little lupe". Fate I tell you. She made me the most delicious breakfast the other day with coffee that I desperately needed. I just love laughing with her, and enjoy hearing her stories. I feel very safe at that house, and know it is going to be a house that I continue spending a lot of time at.

Oh and well sometimes my spanish fails me, while talking to Lupe, and I don´t have the words to say what I need to, or to understand what she´s telling me. So funny story. After one morning I spent with Lupe, Theresa goes over there to have lunch. Theresa comes home and tells me all about the "trip" Lupe and I are planning with her family--how we´re going to the "finca" (her farm house in the country), and how excited we are over it, and how we´re just waiting to pick a date. Theresa was like how come you didn´t tell us you were going, and I was like uhhh, I didn´t know we were even planning a trip. I thought we were just talking about her other house in the country. However sometime during that long winded conversation, she must have asked me if I wanted to go, I agreed, and then we started preparing for a time when we would leave. This is a perfect example of how sometimes I MISS sooo much of what in the world we´re even talking about--- in so many of the conversations I have here in Ecuador ha. Luckily I didn´t agree to giving away my first born, because I feel like I could have just as easily done that! haha

Needless to say, Lupe is bringing me a lot of joy here in Ecuador, and she is part of the main reason I am feeling better, feeling lighter. My community has also been stellar. We had a really fun community night last night where we just laughed and laughed. Very much overdue.

So here are a few closing thoughts for you all as I head out to plan for Semillas first "paseo" or field trip today. (we´re going to be watching UP in our retreat house with popcorn and soda---i´m so relieved because only 14 of the best kids from the week are coming, and it´s going to be a really chill afternoon):

1. Something I love here in Ecuador is walking by the local panaderias and smelling the sweet scent of fresh baked bread every morning. There are so many ugly smells that I encounter daily, but because the panaderias are dispersed pretty evenly, it makes for a nice balance of really great smelling thing to offset the awful scents, ie burning trash, poop, etc.

2. I came home the other day and there were about 7 cows in our frontyard, I couldn´t help but start laughing and shake my head....oh Ecuador.

3. Tonight we´re going to the airport to pick up the 4 returning volunteers who are going to be working at the new site in Mt. Sinaii: Amy, Carolyn, Danny, and Tracy. I am sooo excited to see them, and it´s going to be really great to get to talk with them again, along with see them sporatically throughout the year.

4. At Redima I went on my first home visit out in El Recreo yesterday. Michele and I visited with a woman who has HIV and checked in on her health and children. Although a very sad experience that disturbed me a lot, I felt that this was one of those times that I felt pure human connection. Her speech was severely impacted by the disease along with her cognitive functioning, but just sitting there and talking with her for that short time reminded me of what our mission is here. Being. The simple idea of being with someone and letting them know that they are not alone. I was uncomfortable throughout most of the time, but I think that was a good thing. It made it more real, more human.

5. Finally, I wanted to share with you all that my brother made it safely to Spain, and is adjusting very nicely. Maybe even having a little too much fun, but i´m glad he´s also experiencing something exciting and new. It´s funny how being thousands of miles away from each other is actually bringing us closer. I don´t think we´ve ever sent this many emails back and forth to each other, but it´s something I really love and look forward to.

So again, thank you ALL!!! for your continued support! In no particular order Mom and Dad, the Kelly´s/Altieris, Jacki, Leslie, Gisele, Theresa, Jen, Katie, I can´t write all of your names, but please, please KNOW that I am so grateful, and appreciative of all that you have given to me. I feel the love regardless of the fact that i´m all the way over here in Ecuador.

LOVEEE YOU SOOO MUCHHH,
Lupita

So this is culture shock...

I wasn´t sure if I was going to write a blog this week, only because well, my week wasn´t so great. I thought, why would I want them to hear about my homesickness, my frustration, and my sadness...that just doesn´t sound good---but then I rethought it, and figured it´s better to share what i´m going through then keep it bottled up. I guess in a way, I was trying to censor you all, so that I could seem stronger, and less vulnerable...But let´s face it, we all have moments that are tougher than others. This was just one of those weeks.

It´s hard to describe but this past week I just haven´t been myself. Little things have been getting to me, i´m increasingly irritable, somewhat obsessed with cleaning, and more and more I retreat to the isolation of my room. I am frustrated everyday and am trying so hard to be positive, but my efforts just seem futile. Both Semillas and Redima were two things this week that I was just not into. The kids bothered me, and my co-workers were constantly on my nerves. It´s so hard to fake happiness too, especially for me because my emotions are blatantly visible to all based on my body language and face. Essentially what it comes down to is homesickness and culture shock--each thing is perpetuating the negatives of the other.

I miss home, I miss my bed, I miss my morning coffee and yogurt with berries. I want to be able to go out at night, and not have to worry about safety. I want to be able to come home after a long day and not have to cook for six people. I don´t want to have to deal with hundreds of thousands of ants!! I want to be able to run outside by myself. I don´t want to speak spanish 24/7, and I don´t want to eat any more stinking bananas. I want to have breakfast at Cristy´s and eat pancakes, and more than anything I want to be around my family and friends.

I am definitely struggling, and trying so hard to be okay. My community sees it too, and that´s another reason why this is so hard. I want to be able to open up to them, and for them to see me, but for some reason I resist. It´s still so difficult to be myself with them, and there is always that fear that i´m burdening them with too much. I know they want to help me, but it´s hard to make yourself vulnerable.

But we are a community, and we are supposed to be there for one another. I know they struggle too, but I think some of them are just better at letting the little things go, where for me, it´s the little things that really get to me.

This morning we had a 3 hour reflection on the pillar of community, what it means, when does it bring us joy, and when does it bring us difficulty. I think if anything, this discussion made me reflect on what a gift i´ve been given--this gift of living in community, learning from others, and seeing the need for all of us in this situation; we are each a part of something greater than ourselves-- but it also put a lot of emphasis on how this idea of community will be something we constantly struggle with--how it´s also the hardest part of Ecuador.

I know I will get through this rough patch; it is something we will all go through at some point. We all need to be broken and recognize our brokeness before we can fully understand the complexity of this experience and how much we can grow from it. This is something we talk about all the time, I guess I just didn´t realize that it would hit me so hard.

I´m sorry if this was a little more negative than what you all were hoping, but it´s something that´s heavy on my heart, so instead of pretending that everything is just ducky, I figured I´d be honest with you all.

Know that I still continue to pray for you all and miss you more than you know. Keep sending emails and updating me on your lives---it always puts a smile on my face when I can see your names in my inbox :-)

Love you muchisimo,
lupita

Luis y el Pulpo

So Luis(little rascal from Semillas) and I are reading a story the other day about el pulpo(octopus) who wants to find a friend to play with. None of the other sea creatures will play because they are scared he will eat them. The last page of the story ends with el pulpo asking a tiburon, shark, to play, and what happens...the shark eats the pulpo....Why am I telling you all this, well because the best part of the story happened when I said, el poopoo, yes that means poop----and Luis went into a fit of hysterical belly laughter saying "lupita just said poopoo" he could not contain himself and i have never seen this child laugh so hard.

Watching him I could not help but start laughing hysterically and the two of us were just sitting there laughing and laughing about el poopoo. This went on for about five minutes, and I was laughing so hard that by the end I was crying. May seem really stupid or insignificant, but honestly this was one of the best moments of my week. It was in this moment that I realized, that it doesn´t matter what we do with these kids during our two hours at Semillas, it doesn´t matter if they learn fractions or can count to a hundred in a single afternoon. It doesn´t matter if they understand the geometric shapes we teach them during activity, or if they can multiply 8 times 12.


We are here to be with them. To laugh with them, to play with them, and to let them be kids, if only for two hours a day. I´m not really sure what happens from 5pm on in the course of their nights, but I have heard that in some houses it is not a pretty time. Parents are exhausted, and alcoholism is rampant in this culture. If I can get a kid to laugh with me over the course of my afternoon at Semillas then I feel like it was a productive day.


We really take for granted that kids have a place to play and create and imagine in the US-- because it happens all the time. When homework is done, and there are a few hours left of daylight, kids at home can go play in the neighborhood or in their backyards or go to a park down the street and just have fun. I´m really struggling with this here. These kids don´t have green grass, or swingsets, or markers, or playdough, or bikes. They have dirty rivers, and rusted wires, and broken glass laying around the dusty dirt roads that surround their houses. Not to mention the tons of stray dogs that are everywhere and leave their trails as well. It´s just something that I think about a lot. I know that these kids have joy in their lives and smile like other kids, but I can´t help but feel real sadness for them. They shouldn´t have to worry about finding a safe place to play in everyday. They are only kids. It´s these thoughts that give me the grace to continue playing at Semillas each afternoon.


As for Redima, it´s still taking time. Mondays and Tuesdays are better than Wednesdays and Thursdays, but again, I know things will work out. I am just so thankful that for the most part, the woman that work there are so caring and compassionate and always asking me what I ate that day ha. For some reason they are all very concerned about me and my diet, and just want to make sure that I don´t waste away here. I keep telling them that its really not a problem, and that if I eat any more beans and rice i´m going to turn into a freaking frijole, but they keep asking, so I keep answering :-)

That´s about all I have time for today kids, but I will be sure to keep you posted about my upcoming week.

Still thinking about you and praying for you all. Oh and Karla´s birthday was a lot of fun, not to mention the cake was delicious!!! I miss sweets so much it´s not even funny. I think that´s why i´m starting to get addicted to the crystal light packets. It´s the one thing I have to look forward to at night! Sad I know....oh well, when in Ecuador....

Love you all!

Lupita

Lava las manos por favor!!

One week down kids! Ha thats what I kept thinking all week, not so optomistic right? I don´t want to try and pretend that this week was amaing, because honestly, this past week was rough, to say the least. I was so frustrated, exhausted, and just frazzled for most of the time, but all in all I survived. So that´s the first step.

Redima was tough--the language barrier presents a huge challenge for me every moment that I´m there. Initially they were asking me to do things that I was not so comfortable doing, like just starting all of these IVs without pumps, without gloves, and without supervision. Needless to say I just gave them this petrified stare of, you´re kidding me right? And after that first day incident, I think they´re trying not to overwhelm me, but at the same time, now I´m on the brink of boredom. Honestly, I think i´m still figuring out my role there-I need to be comfortable wtih the tasks they ask me to do, and they need to feel confident that I can perform these tasks without freaking out. After the IV gig, I think they questioned my statement-soy una enfermera, ha! But I tried explaining that I was new and just graduated---still didn´t seem to be an excuse here.

With time, I know Redima will be rewarding, but for now it´s a lot of unlearning everything I ever learned in nursing school haha. Sterile fields---pfff, hand washing---out the window, confidentiality---does not exist in Ecuador, and yes people here give every shot in the butt, despite the fact that research has proven you can paralyze a person if you hit the sciatic nerve....(or at least i´m pretty sure I learned that at BC)....I´m going to be okay, i´m going to find my place---I need to be patient both with myself and them because this is still so new. I´m just so anxious to "help" which is really the root of the problem. However inefficient I may think this clinic is, it´s still running and operating with or without me. So I just need to relax, take a step back, and find out where I fit in this whole scheme of healthcare.

Semillas on the other hand is a complete one eighty. Absolute madness, complete chaos. For two hours everyday I have screaming kids literally launching themselves at me begging for my attention. There are these two brothers Abran y Luis and although they are two of the cutest kids I have ever seen, they are like leaches. I usually have one on one leg, and one on the other. They´re so silly though and just laugh and smile-- so as much as I want to get annoyed I really can´t help but think maybe this is where they get their daily dose of attention, and let it go as I drag them around the compound. By the time Semillas finishes at 5 I am absolutely beat. Sooo tired, and I think that´s why this past week was so hard for me. I haven´t yet figured out the best rest schedule for my body. I need to find a happy medium where I have energy for both jobs, and don´t deplete myself--because our days don´t end at 5 either, then we have to cook, clean, and three nights a week have either a community night(games-fun stuff), spirituality night, or community meeting (where we talk about all of the stuff that´s either going well....or not so well in our house)...The days are long, but again, with time, i´ll get the hang of them. I´m usually passed out by 10 oclock every night and feel so old, but I guess this is what adults do? Maybe?

So there´s a brief look at my past week---and a few other things I wanted to let you know:
1. I will NEVER get used to taking cold showers---they are awful, and if I had to say I hate anything about Ecuador, this would be it.
2. Buses don´t stop here, you kind of have to get a running start to get on, and then hop off a moving bus when you want to get off--it is so crazy, and i´m just praying to god that i don´t eat it one of these days.
3. I have become the master at jumping rope--aside from futbol, it is my only source of cardio here, and i kind of feel like Rocky as I get up at 6:30 every morning to get a little work out in.
4. Our house is becoming famous for baking banana bread, Dan´s mom has the best recipe, and low and behold there are a lot of bananas in Ecuador, so we usually make it at least twice a week.
5. I am reading The Shack right now--and would love to hear comments if any of you have read it because I still don´t know what I think about it.

and lastly 6. I still miss you guys all so much, some days are just harder than others, but I try not to get too weepy when I think about you all. Sometimes I just feel like I´m going to be missing out on so much this year, but then I have to put a year into perspective and think, it´s going to be okay---i´m going to have amazing memories too.

I love you all so much, and am trying to do my best to work on my snail mail. Oh and also, I figured out that I can send text messages for 7 cents, so if you get a text from a strange number it may be me just saying hi and letting you know that i´m thinking about you.

Thats it for now--Karla´s birthday is tomorrow! woohooo--so I have to go clean and get ready for people to come over! We´re making a cake too, so exciting!

Hasta luego,
Con mucho amor,
Lupita

Viva Ecuador!

Hey Everyone!

So i´m here...Living in Ecuador! Can you believe it? I still can´t ha! It hasn´t even been two weeks yet, and I´m already calling this place home! (don´t worry mom---this is only temporary! 35 Livingston Drive will ALWAYS be where I return to!)

I told myself I was going to prewrite this entry so I was more organized, but of course I didn´t so here comes my scatter brained head:

For the first week we were here the eleven of us were living together in the Arbolito retreat house--very cozy, but a lot of fun. They still hadn´t decided who was going to be living with who so for that reason we all stayed together and shared the big house. I guess I should first say that Rostro volunteers are split between two neighborhoods: Antonio Jose de Sucre and El Arbolito, each house also has a neighboring retreat house which is where the high school and college kids stay when we host them for retreats. The houses are only about a mile a part, but we´re not allowed to walk between them without a partner because they say it can get a bit "sketchy"....needless to say, we´re very careful when we walk through them and ALWAYS are with a fellow volunteer.

The two neighborhoods are VERY different. AJS is more developed, cleaner, and Rostro has been working in that neighborhood longer. Arbolito is well...not as developed, dirt roads, cane houses, not many stores, small brush fires everywhere, lots of naked children running around-- its basically an invasion community that people just started developing little by little. I thought for SURE I was going to be living in AJS---actually I was positive--it definitely seemed more me, especially for the clean factor, but i´m sure you all can guess where i´m living by now...Yes I am living in El Arbolito with Tom, Dan, Karla, Michele and Theresa....We live in la Casa Grande...it sticks out like a sore thumb amongst these houses and at times makes me feel pretty uncomfortable.


Our house is huge, like bigger than my house at home. We all have running water, our own rooms, huge kitchen, big common room, three bathrooms, and a chapel...yeah it´s pretty legit...but because of this, it makes it all the more important that we focus on living simply. When our neighbors are living out of two bedroom cane houses, with sometimes five kids sharing a bed, we really have to think about what we need in life, and what is only a want....

I need to backtrack a bit, the first week we were here, the old volunteers were here with us---another reason why we stayed in the retreat houses---and they were absolutely wonderful. They confirmed my decision that Ecuador is where I need to be right now. Inspiring is an understatement: what they´ve done, or better, how they´ve lived their past year here, was truly beautiful. Seeing the relationships they´ve developed with our neighbors, and how the kids respond to them on the streets was an act of God´s grace. It was hard not to be intimidated by them because they are so loved here, and although we know we´re not trying to replace them, we hope our neighbors don´t think that thats what we´re trying to do, and accept us for who we are. Again, I cannot say enough about them, I feel truly blessed to have been able to experience Ecuador with them for a week.

And now we´re on our own. We had a huge scavenger hunt yesterday to learn our way around the cities. It was so intense. Absolutely exhausting, and at times extremely frustrating, but I now feel like I can navigate these two large cities(both Duran and Guayaquil)....Our team (me, Mary, Steve, and Theresa) came in second, only after climbing 444 steps to the top of el faro, or huge lighthouse, that has the best view of the entire guayas providence...it was breathtaking, and just an fyi for anyone coming to visit me this year, i hope you´re conditioned enough to make this trek with me because you can´t leave Guayaquil without having a glimpse of this view (hint hint)

Some other things to note: My job sites for this upcoming year are confirmed, and I am officially going to be working at the Redima Clinic doing patient intakes, nursing care, HIV teaching, health education, and basically anything that they need me to do. Í´ve been told that I will probably be asked to do some things that i´m not actually qualified for because they know i´m a nurse, and it´s up to my disgression whether or not i feel comfortable to accept...hmm i guess it depends on what they ask me to do right? But for some reason in the back of my head I still keep thinking maybe i´ll be delivering babies this year! ha, probably not, but wouldn´t it be cool if i did?


More than likely i´ll be doing a lot of primary care, annual health physicals, and a lot of presentations...I´m going to be working with Michele which is great because she´s a native Spanish speaker. She´s going to be doing more of the psych counseling for the HIV testing, but we´ll definitely be working closely for much of the time.


For the afternoons i´m going to be running an afterschool program called Semillas de Mostaza with Dan and Karla...let´s just say Jamie was not too thrilled about this placement initially, but after a lot of tears, conversation, and much prayer, I have decided that I think I can handle this...Semillas is at times extremely chaotic, loud, and in my opinion very overwhelming--some months they have 100+ kids attending. For someone like me who enjoys structure and quiet, I could just see myself dreading the afternoons and having to pop a Xanax before every session. However, I am up for the challenge. I know I need to work on my patience and flexibility, and this may just be exactly what I need to loosen up a bit (some of you may be laughing right now) but in all seriousness I am ready. Just keep praying for my sanity and a hope that I bend and not break with this placement. Thank God for Karla and Dan too because they are going to be supporting me A LOT, so they too may need many prayers!


So this is kind of where I stand for right now. I am absolutely in the honeymoon stage of my culture shock. Everything around here excites me and I find myself being so optomistic for what is to come. I love my vecinos, and I barely even know them. Wellington, our little neighbor who´s probably around 8 years old greets me everyday with a big hug and asks me to teach him English any chance he gets. He is so eager to learn and loves the attention. Oh and I should probably mention, I´m now known as Lupita here. No one can say Jamie (but of course), so for convenience sake, I have just started calling myself Lupita, and I actually really love it. When my neighbors yell, Hola Lupita! I can´t help but smile. It sounds so cute, especially when the little kids say it!

I´m sorry if my thoughts are really out of order, there is just so much to fill you guys in on. I want you to have an idea of what I see and feel, so please let me know if what I write really doesn´t make sense or if you have questions about anything. I´m going to try and update this as frequently as possible, but the little computer that i´m writing from runs so slowly and it´s hot as hell in this cyber. Oh yeah and by the way, Ecuador is about 100 degrees right now, and it´s technically Winter in South America---I don´t know what i´m going to do come January.

Here´s my address too just in case anyone has the urge to write me some snail mail :-)

Jamie Buller o Megan Radek
Casilla 09011024
Guayiquil, Ecuador, South America

I miss you all so much, and hope everyone is doing well. ´

I´ll be praying for you! Oh and my brother is going to be leaving for Spain come September, so keep him in your prayers too as well as mi Mama y Papa who will have two children living out of the country! Dios Mio! I know they can handle it though, they´re strong people, and will definitely get through this :-)

Hasta Pronto!
Lupita

I gotta feeling...

Bienvenido a mi blog!

After much consideration, I have finally decided that writing a blog would be the best way to document my life and many adventures while away this year in Ecuador....However, I must warn all of you: I am not a writer. I am going to try my best to make these reflections as exciting and entertaining as I possibly can, but there may be times when me speaking from the heart may bore you all to tears. I apologize in advance, and will do my best!...So on that note, let me get started.

For those of you who don't know, starting on Monday, I will be traveling to Duran, Ecuador where I will be volunteering for one uninterupted year at a program called Rostro de Cristo. This program is based on pillars of community, simplicity, spirituality, hospitality, and service. I'll try to make a long story short by saying that everything about this program just "made sense" to me. So....after many, MANY days of discernment, I finally decided that this is where I need to be.

These past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion, literally. I don't think i've laughed or cried as much in my entire life. Leaving home was one of the hardest things I've had to do, and I still don't even know if the enormity of it has really even hit me yet. For right now, I just have to take things day by day, and keep focusing on all of the new exciting things that await me!

Right now, I'm in Ohio training with my fellow Rostro community (there are 11 of us), and also the international Jesuit Volunteers. We've been having a ton of fun! And yet our days are so PACKED with different sessions ranging from safety, spirituality, health, justice, teaching, discernment, conflict resolution, and my favorite thus far...the Enneagram. Anyone who does not know about the enneagram, I strongly urge you to check it out....For those of you who do---isn't it so great! I am a type One and after figuring this out, I feel like my entire life can be explained! So look it up, and get back to me with your type.

Another interesting point to note: today we got back from a three day silent retreat. Very interesting. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to make it (and i'm sure a lot of you might be thinking the same) But surprisingly, the silence was exactly what I needed to sort out my chaotic head and organize my thoughts. The place was kinda creepy though, and one night I woke up at 3:30am and had to pee, and all I kept thinking was, "oh jeeze, this place is too much like the shining"...needless to say I was just waiting to see little girls riding on tricycles...

Alright, this is getting far too long...And I need to go to bed. I just want you all to know, that I am thinking about you daily, and praying for you constantly...Trust me, I'm doing a lot of praying here....This year is going to be tough, that's inevitable, but there's something inside of me that's saying...it's all gonna be okay....Call me corny, but..."I gotta feelin"...

I am going to try as hard as I can to update this frequently, but if you have specific questions, please email me, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

Sending you lots of love, and many hugs! xoxo
Jamie