life´s simple pleasures

Saludos familia y amigos!

Today I came home from work and was so anxious to blog--i felt like i had so much to say, so much to tell---so I literally "ran" to the cyber--and on my way passed a bloody chicken head, smelt horrible burning trash, heard blasting reggaeton from one of our bizarre neighbor´s house, and the entire time was grinning from ear to ear. i feel like i´m glowing---maybe that´s because i´m actually sweating right now, but you get the picture.

These past two weeks have been ridiculous. Jam packed with so much. The last time I wrote I was anxiously awaiting my first retreat group from Villanova and while I still don´t really know what they felt/thought of their experience here, for me---it was a life-giving week. All of my nerves were immediately calmed after meeting them and feeling their energy and enthusiasm. I could not have anticipated a better experience---their reflections were so profound, I would literally leave them with insight that I had never even thought of before. During one of the reflections I had voiced how I just FEEL so much here, everything is intensified--things are never just¨"good" or "bad"---they are extreme--amazing or horrible...I never have just mezza mez days, they range from "wow, this day was absolutely beautiful, I cannot get over how much love I feel" to "holy shitt this world is so ugly and I´m just so angry and upset with what i´m living" Literally, this is the polarity of my emotions. But then, one of the retreatants said to me, "Jamie at least you feel"---and I had never really thought about this before. How easy it is to go through life in the mundane---to wake up go to work, eat lunch, come home, work out, eat dinner, go to bed---and then repeat. While a lot of times what I feel is harsh and raw and cruel, she forced me to recognize, at least I feel. At least I know my heart is working right? As tough as it is, I think I would rather be this full of emotion than feel nothing at all....so yeah, just something to ponder.

Ultimately, Villanova forced me to question A LOT---a lot about my purpose here, a lot about my intentions, and most importantly a lot about my faith. After they left, I felt completely disoriented and thrown for a loop, but again, I find this to be a good thing. The questions are good---I don´t want to have these firm beliefs that can´t be tested or questioned, or be so single minded that I am ignorant or stubborn to other ways of thinking. A few of them recommended I read some books by Shane Claiborne, and while I was hesitant at first, I´m finding a lot of meaning in them. If anyone has any free time for some pleasure reading, (or some thought provoking matieral) I would definitely recommend The Irresistible Revolution---it´s so eye opening--and just puts "life" so simply and honestly. Check it out if you have time, seriously. So all in all---Villanova=great group. I feel so blessed to have been able to get to know them and have such intense conversations about this life we´re all living. At times I felt like I was the one on retreat and they were leading me.

So this past weekend our entire RdC community went on our own retreat down to the beach in Las Playas...it could not have come at a more perfect time--our community has been going through some pretty difficult things, and we all really needed this time to take a step back, breathe, and restore ourselves. It was such a beautiful weekend. We stayed at a friend of Rostro´s beach house, and it was absolutely perfect. While the weather was overcast (and I still managed to get severely burned) it was nice to have a cozy weekend away and space to think and reflect. The whole time I felt like i was a part of a big family reunion--with all my cousins, etc. It´s hard to describe but you know those days when it´s cloudy and a little chilly and you can put on a sweatshirt and sweatpants and still sit outside on the beach and be perfectly content enjoying the weather---it was like that, wow what a run on--i liked it better because it was cool and i could be cozy-- sort of thing--if that makes any sense at all ha. And there were tons of hammocks on the roof--talk about a perfect spot. Waking up in the morning, and taking my journal up to the roof with a blanket and just letting my thoughts flow--such a great way to wake up. And we ate like Americans haha! french toast, apples, deli sandwiches, hamburgers, oreos, m & ms, chicken, doritos, starburst, salad, granola, yogurt--it was a feast let me tell you---but so overdue. never in my life would i think i´d be so excited over a turkey sandwich and ruffles haha---oh the simple pleasures. We laughed so much too about ridiculous things, played soccer on the beach, swam in the huge waves--even though it was pretty cold, and had some great conversations. Mary and I also sang a lot of broadway tunes which was wonderful obvi...i´m not sure what the others thought about it, but we certainly enjoyed ourselves ha!

Most of the retreat focused on our five senses---and getting back in tune with them. I feel like i´ve used the word sensory overload a lot here, and this past weekend, we had a chance to re-evaluate exactly what we are constantly sensing. We also examined five questions continuously during the retreat---- "What do I know, what do i value, what do i feel, what do i do, and what do i need?" it seems so easy right? but if you really think about it, these five questions are pretty difficult, and a little overwhelming. I´ve basically come to the conclusion that I don´t know much at all, that I need a heck of a lot, that i´m not really sure what exactly i do, that most of the time i feel confused, and essentially I value love above all things. Period. That´s about as far as I got after a lot of reflection and endless ruminating. We used these five questions to talk about ourselves, to talk about our relationship with God and to talk about our communities. It was such an interesting exercise. Again it sounds so simple, but try it, you may find yourself really surprised.

And what else...I feel like there should be more, but for right now i´m pretty exhausted---I actually wrote this entry in two sittings because I ran out of time and had to get to Semillas....which I need to note was stellar today---only 15 kiddos, and they were little angels. So sweet and cute and quiet! We colored, we played games, it was awesome. What a way to start the week :-)

So I think i´m going to end on that good note---Tom and I are making grilled cheese tonight for dinner with banana smoothies. I´m not gonna lie, i´m pretty pumped for that.

Please continue praying for me and my community---we´re trying so hard to live in harmony, and be loving towards each other, but as you can imagine i´m sure, it´s really difficult at times.....still we move forward---adelante!

I love you all so much, and miss you dearly! I´m going to try and post some pictures really soon--but again, these darn computers are so stinking slow!

Con un abrazo fuerte, y un monton de besitos,
Lupita

oh happy day....

so i feel good...no i feel great right now.

this has been a beautiful week so far. lots and lots of laughter, lots of bonding, and lots of sighs of relief....i´m finally finding a rhythm.

i think it started last friday with our RdC day of reflection. about every month our whole group comes together to reflect upon what´s going on thus far...how are we feeling, what´s on our minds, and there´s also a lot of focus placed on the pillars of which Rostro is based on. this past week we talked a lot about simplicity. at first it seemed really easy to put attention on material simplicity and how we´re doing in regards to that; what are we eating, how much are we spending, what are we doing wtih our spare time yadda yadda, and while a lot of times it can seem extreme what i may be doing--the whole no internet in the house, no ipod, no tv, no coffee pot, no air conditioning and the list goes on....i think what last friday really allowed me to focus on was spiritual and mental simplicity. let me try and explain. and in doing so, i´m going to refer to one of the readings that was given to us by thomas merton on detachment. merton basically writes a lot about how we can become "attached" to so many things in life, so many thoughts, so many ideas, so many expectations, fears, people, goals, habits----and that these attachments can become barriers to attaining the peace and tranquility that God has reserved for us. i for one am attached to so many things, i´m attached to my fears, my habits, my expectations for this year and for my life, to my relationships---so many worries, so many thoughts that keep me from letting go, from just "being". there is only so much i can control, i have to stop, i have to just let life take its course and live every moment gracefully and as fully as i possibly can.

this week both at semillas and at redima i really tried to just "be". i took in every detail, every conversation, every observation, paused, reflected, prayed, and did my best to be present in everything i did. whether it was listening to a patient talk about her trials in trying to get pregnant, or help jonathan with his math activity, i put every ounce of energy i had into what was happening in these moments. while it may have not been completely successful all the time, i.e. i still got upset and frustrated with certain things, by the end of most days, i felt i was not as emotionally exhausted as i normally am. for the first time since i´ve been here, i felt that this week i was able to really bond with my community mates, to laugh and talk and shoot the shitt with them. i felt lighter, and carefree, and just happier. we even danced it was great! oh but i guess i should include a funny little story, that is so ironic really....

so yes i am adopting this new mindset, of letting go, of just living fully and trying to not stress, but as always i am far from perfect. so thursday-- dan and i got into a little heated discussion, no okay lets say argument---our first really big one---and i was pissed...i´m not going to go into details, but what ended up happening was me storming out of the kitchen and slamming my bedroom door hard, like really hard....while i simmered in there for a solid ten minutes, karla finally came to the door and asked if she could come in (she has been such a rock for me here, i can´t even tell you how supportive she has been with me)....knowing fully that i had just made a really immature move and acted like a baby i said yes, and asked her to come in....well here came the problem. she couldn´t open the door. it was stuck/jammed---yes i broke it---totally broke it, and remained stuck in my room for another fifteen minutes while karla and michele tried to free me. this ended with having to take the door knob off and using many different tools to pry the door open. mind you i couldn´t just jump out the window because we have bars on them....so yes i was indeed locked in my room...the irony of it was just perfect, God was laughing at me for losing my temper and patience, and i couldnt help but laugh as well...neither could dan, who after i escaped had the biggest smirk on his face. needless to say, i apologized, and we had a good conversation after the fact. and at least it ended on a positive note....well not for tom who has to fix the door. ha!

so que mas....oh! this weekend, our community mates from mt. sinaii have also been staying with us, and that has just been fabulous! i love having them here in arbolito--they are the four volunteers from last year who decided to stay another year and work on building a new community about 45 minutes away from duran. we have had so much fun with them. last night we went to our guard abrahan´s 32 birthday party--our first ecua party---and honestly it was not as awkward as i anticipated it to be. i mean it was ridiculous, but doable. the invitation said 8:30p, but of course you don´t show up until 2 hours after the fact in ecuador, so the 15 of us gringos showed up at 10:30 to a room filled with ecuadorians, blasting music, a fog machine, and lots of salsa dancing. we didn´t stick out or anything. ;-)

but in all seriousness, it was fun. we danced, or at least tried to, we ate, and attempted to chat amidst the unbearably loud music. that was pretty futile considering i can barely understand spanish when people are screaming it at me in a silent room---so this involved a lot of head nodding and smiling ha---at 2oclock when we left, the party was still going on, and continued to go on till 7:30am this morning---how do we know that, oh yeah we live down the street from abrahan´s house! so some of us could still hear it!

not really much else to comment on---i just want to reiterate how much better i am doing, after so many negative posts---geeze i reread some of my entries and even felt bad for myself---i swear, i´m better--smiling and still crazy, but more my usual self. which for some of you i´m sure is a relief. i think some of it may have to do with the pancake breakfast theresa and i made for dinner thursday night---having chocolate chip pancakes can put anyone in a good mood. oh also! my retreat group is coming TONIGHT!! ahh i´m so nervous, but really pumped--it´s villanova, and i´ve only heard amazing things about them. i´m excited to walk through this experience with them, and see Duran through their eyes. i think it will be a nice refresher to some of the things that i have gotten immune to, and also bring in some new perspectives about this community. a great learning experience for both of us....so as nervous as i am, i really hope it goes well, and would appreciate any prayers you all have to offer up to them and to me for this upcoming ten days! added perk--no work this week!!! woot woot! but i will inevitably be exhausted i´m sure, i´ve heard retreat groups take SO much out of you, but are well worth it in the end...time will tell...

alright, well i´ve gotta run---still so many things to do before they get here, and we have BINGO tonight at our church at 7---talk about excitement, no seriously, im excited! ha

i know i owe so many people personal emails, but we have lost power three times this week and the internet has not been functioning here in arbolito---i promise i will get back to you, i just can´t say when, it might not be for another ten days after this group, but i have not forgotten!

i love and miss you all, and thank you for your continued support! i´m smiling as i write this knowing that it´s saturday for you as well, and hopefully the majority of you are relaxing and taking in a nice october evening!

con un abrazo y un monton de besitos,
lupita