So this is culture shock...

I wasn´t sure if I was going to write a blog this week, only because well, my week wasn´t so great. I thought, why would I want them to hear about my homesickness, my frustration, and my sadness...that just doesn´t sound good---but then I rethought it, and figured it´s better to share what i´m going through then keep it bottled up. I guess in a way, I was trying to censor you all, so that I could seem stronger, and less vulnerable...But let´s face it, we all have moments that are tougher than others. This was just one of those weeks.

It´s hard to describe but this past week I just haven´t been myself. Little things have been getting to me, i´m increasingly irritable, somewhat obsessed with cleaning, and more and more I retreat to the isolation of my room. I am frustrated everyday and am trying so hard to be positive, but my efforts just seem futile. Both Semillas and Redima were two things this week that I was just not into. The kids bothered me, and my co-workers were constantly on my nerves. It´s so hard to fake happiness too, especially for me because my emotions are blatantly visible to all based on my body language and face. Essentially what it comes down to is homesickness and culture shock--each thing is perpetuating the negatives of the other.

I miss home, I miss my bed, I miss my morning coffee and yogurt with berries. I want to be able to go out at night, and not have to worry about safety. I want to be able to come home after a long day and not have to cook for six people. I don´t want to have to deal with hundreds of thousands of ants!! I want to be able to run outside by myself. I don´t want to speak spanish 24/7, and I don´t want to eat any more stinking bananas. I want to have breakfast at Cristy´s and eat pancakes, and more than anything I want to be around my family and friends.

I am definitely struggling, and trying so hard to be okay. My community sees it too, and that´s another reason why this is so hard. I want to be able to open up to them, and for them to see me, but for some reason I resist. It´s still so difficult to be myself with them, and there is always that fear that i´m burdening them with too much. I know they want to help me, but it´s hard to make yourself vulnerable.

But we are a community, and we are supposed to be there for one another. I know they struggle too, but I think some of them are just better at letting the little things go, where for me, it´s the little things that really get to me.

This morning we had a 3 hour reflection on the pillar of community, what it means, when does it bring us joy, and when does it bring us difficulty. I think if anything, this discussion made me reflect on what a gift i´ve been given--this gift of living in community, learning from others, and seeing the need for all of us in this situation; we are each a part of something greater than ourselves-- but it also put a lot of emphasis on how this idea of community will be something we constantly struggle with--how it´s also the hardest part of Ecuador.

I know I will get through this rough patch; it is something we will all go through at some point. We all need to be broken and recognize our brokeness before we can fully understand the complexity of this experience and how much we can grow from it. This is something we talk about all the time, I guess I just didn´t realize that it would hit me so hard.

I´m sorry if this was a little more negative than what you all were hoping, but it´s something that´s heavy on my heart, so instead of pretending that everything is just ducky, I figured I´d be honest with you all.

Know that I still continue to pray for you all and miss you more than you know. Keep sending emails and updating me on your lives---it always puts a smile on my face when I can see your names in my inbox :-)

Love you muchisimo,
lupita