a crazy day at semillas...you mean everyday?

so yesterday we had a bleeder---and boy was it a bleeder....

typical start to semillas---around 30 kids, hot as hell, buenas tardes niños, etc., usual start up---things were going pretty well for the first hour, lots of noise, lots of kids, but all within the normal of chaos. during recreo i was sitting talking with one of the new girls who was there for the first time, all very peaceful and quiet, trying to help her with her english hw when Luis (remember el poo poo) runs up to me screaming and crying: "Abrahan se cayo!! golpeo su cabeza Abrahan se cayo!! (he fell, he hit his head!)" complete panic in his face...so i get up and start running with him over to the playground area where Abrahan is, and when i get there i literally almost threw up. kind of like that feeling when you get the wind knocked out of you. there was little abrahan, 4 years old, sitting COVERED in blood. like when i tell you his entire face, his entire shirt, arms, everything, covered in blood. and he´s sitting there screaming bloody murder. at that moment i almost went into panic mode and started freaking out, BUT i knew i had to stay calm for his sake and put on the nurse face. the fact that he was conscious and breathing and screaming was a good thing, so i just scooped him up and started running--to where? i really had no idea, so i headed to one of the classrooms-- luckily the kid only weighs about twenty pounds.

*Later Dan, Karla and I joked about their perceptions of what they thought i looked like throughout this drama: Karla: "you looked like you were part of a scene in Hotel Rwanda" ---Dan: "you looked like David Hasselhoff in Baywatch"---yeah, not really sure what else to say about that ha. i think i´d rather portray Don Cheadle any day than David Hasselhoff haha

so of course by now this scene has attracted pretty much every other kid at semillas so along with screaming abrahan i´ve got about 20 other kids asking me ¿que paso, que paso? luckily we had a bunch of ayudantes helping us out and they shooed them out of the room. after laying abrahan down and looking for the source of the blood we realized that it wasn´t really as bad as it looked, yeah it was a gash, but definitely not going to kill him. it was just the enormous amount of blood that scared everyone, as it would anywhere.

in the states he probably would´ve gotten a staple or two, definitely at least a trip to the ED, but here, no hay. so once he was all cleaned up, i.e. basically stripped down to just his shorts, he calmed a little, but then when he looked at his little scooby doo t-shirt covered in blood and started screaming again. so now we´re all like it´s okay, its just a t-shirt, and he´s saying, no, no, de pega, de pega---meaning, "i´m gonna get hit, if i come home with this dirty bloody shirt". that´s when i pretty much lost it. here´s this poor kid, so traumatized by the blood, and then by the cut, and now all he can worry about is when he goes home with his bloody t-shirt he´s going to get hit. oh! and how can i forget, when his sister saw him, Carmen, who´s 7, she had a panic attack, again not because he fell and got hurt, but because she was gonna get beat for not taking care of him. yeah she´s 7.....the whole absurdity of the situation was just too extreme for me. i just got so angry and upset. so of course what did i do---i take abrahans clothes, run home, and scrub the shitt out of them, getting every bit of blood and dirt out so that these kids won´t get hit for having ruined them. i was practically in tears, but so determined to "fix" this situation.

when i got back to semillas i revealed the newly cleaned shirt and again tried to calm Carmen and Abrahan down, also explaining to them that we would go to their house after semillas and talk to their parents. they were still worried, but we got through the rest of the afternoon. it was just such a crazy day i can´t even explain. luckily things at their house went down well and as far as we know, no one got hit after the fact. it´s hard too because we know kids sometimes exaggerate and say "my mom´s gonna beat me if she finds out"-- i´m pretty sure we´ve all at some point made this comment, but here, when kids say it, it´s usually whats happening in the house. parent´s use violence as discipline---kids get beat when they do something wrong---that´s why there´s so much violence at semillas...whenever something goes wrong with whatever a kid is doing, their first instinct is to hit, punch, or kick the kid that offended them. it´s just so frustrating. as much as we try to "use our words" or "talk it out", there is no reinforcement of this back in the casa. so yeah...you can imagine how shot my nerves were by the end of the day :-)

on a happier note---yesterday was my first day driving in Duran! and i did really well! Megan took me out around the neighborhood and i only stalled like 3 times. very successful if i do say so---not only was i driving standard, but a huge ass truck!(and for all of you who´ve seen george, you know i´m a foreigner when it comes to suvs/trucks)

another happy note, mondays are mail days! probably my favorite day of the week (well when i get mail anyway) and yesterday i got not 1 but 3 packages!!! all from my mom of course, but they were filled with lots of sweets and the most recent People mag which made me so happy! i felt like i was back in voute 509 eating a granola bar reading about the latest john and kate drama---a very peaceful evening at least! i´ve also received so many great letters since i´ve been here which is just so awesome---having something tangible to keep reading, especially after a tough day really makes so much of a difference---i can´t thank you all enough for those! especially Jen, Kaki, Nicole, Robbie, Amanda, and in particular my grandma who sends me a letter a week! how special do i feel!

so that about sums up the latest here in ecua-world....i´ve still been hanging out with lupe regularly, eating many breakfasts and lunches with her throughout the weeks, with lots of other snacks throughout the day! everytime i walk by her house i always feeling like she´s handing me something, an orange, or a caramelo, or a chicken leg! she shouts, "lupita, venga!" and i know she´s got something to share with me ha, it´s both a great thing and a dangerous thing! and no one takes no for an answer here, if they offer, you take. punto.

well i´ve gotta hit the road, dinner will be ready soon, and i don´t wanna be late! hope all is well in the US----keep me posted on the latest news! i still miss you all everyday and hope that you´re all smiling and laughing a ton!

lots of love being sent your way, abrazos fuerte y muchos besitos,
lupita

Who would´ve thought?

Don´t have much time today, but I just wanted to give a quick thought about my work at Redima.

So this past week, I worked one on one with a new pediatrician named Viviana---she was helping our clinic out this week because our pedi doc was on vacation. Viviana is 33 years old, so sweet, vibrant, funny, and an awesome teacher! When I first met her, she was just so warm and wanted to know if i´d like to help her. I of course said sure, and this past week we worked as such a dynamic team.

While many of you know, kids are not my forte, you´d be surprised to know how much fun I had this week. Viviana let me do basically all of the assessments and asked me what I thought and what meds I would prescribe and what was normal and what wasn´t. It felt like I was back in clinical, just doing everything in spanish. This past week I saw a girl with appendicitis, an extreme case of thrush like i´ve never seen before, a broken leg (two weeks after the break), and many MANY cases of asthma and bronchitis. Oh and how can I forget Giardia---EVERYONE here has giardia!

All of the sudden, my nursing knowledge is coming back to me, and i´m back in the swing of doing that lovely nursing process. Subjective data, objective data, lung sounds, bowel sounds, reflexes, lab values, teaching, explaining, caring---dare to care, anyone? ha--sorry had to.

I finally feel like I´m doing the work i´m supposed to be doing. Not that anything is or was beneath me because its not, but working with a pedi doc is really challenging me, and pushing my assessment skills outside the box. I´m learning how to do an exam in Spanish, i´m learning how to explain disease processes in spanish, and i´m learning all of the different meds in spanish. It´s exhausting, but at the same time, I can´t get over how much my mind is expanding. While I still don´t know if i´d like to pursue being a pedi NP after this, I am really starting to consider getting my masters immediately after this year. Becoming a family NP is something that I have thought about a lot, because I really love clinic work and feel that basic primary care is ESSENTIAL in healthcare.

Viviana is unfortunately only with us for another week, but her clinic is on the other side of town, and i´ve been told I could work there a day or two every week. I am elated with this idea, and am definitely going to look into this possibility. It´s funny too because I feel like if I did stay around boston to pursue a masters, like i contemplated, Viviana would be someone who i´d love to have as a preceptor, and look at that---it´s like God was watching out for me! I swear, things happen for a reason.

So yeah--life at Redima is good. Semillas---well that´s another story, but I don´t even wanna get into it because i´m in a good mood right now. Let´s just say TGIF.

Tomorrow we´re going out to CHIFA, ha a chinese restaurant, to celebrate steve´s birthday! woot woot! Last night we had a really fun community night where we played Tom´s version of monopoly--let´s just say it was interesting, involved a lot of dancing, question asking, and playing flip cup with Tang ha, what can i say, we make due with what we´ve got here! The best part for me was passing GO and collecting TWO chocolate chips! heaven i swear! At this point my cravings for sweets have gotten out of control---what I wouldn´t do for a freaking bag of m and ms!!!!

Oh and a quick family update---my parents are leaving for Italy one week from today!!! so excited for them, and also, my brother is going to be able to fly over and meet them from Spain! so awesome right! so please keep them and safe travels in your prayers.

Also, my grandmother had bypass surgery this past week, and thankfully is recovering well. It was definitely a shock to me when I heard this, and although I´ve been worrying a lot, she´s doing better. Please keep her in your hearts as she enters into a long road of recovery and rehab. She´s such a trooper and i´m just so grateful that the surgery went well.

Sending you all my love, and lots of besitos!
Paz,
Jamie

Respira

First---I need to thank all of you. Thank you for your emails, your comments, and most of all your prayers. The outpouring of love I received after that last blog entry was unreal. You are all so special to me, and the words you wrote felt like you were right here with me, talking me through these hard times.

I need to let you all know that I am doing MUCH better. After many tears and lots of conversations, my head is finally clearing, and I can see the forest through the trees. I have started really focusing on living moment by moment, and allowing the chaos to pass me while keeping the peace. There are probably about ten times each day where I just need to step back and remind myself to breathe...but this is definitely a good thing, and I recommend everyone take a try at this---it´s amazing how much we hold onto and forget to let go of.

So probably the highlight of this past week was being introduced to my new best friend here in Ecuador. And shocking, guess what her name is....yes that´s right, LUPE!!! it´s like it was fate. We were destined to be friends. Lupe is a long time friend of Rostro, and I had the pleasure of meeting her last week over a delicious lunch she prepared. When I tell you we are the same person, we are the same person, well except that she´s 45 and i´m only 22, but you get the idea. Her house is adorable, so clean, so neat, beautifully decorated, and so full of love. She has three kids and three grandchildren all who are adorable.

The first conversation we had was right when I was going through my "spell" of sadness, and I just started balling when she was talking about how while we´re here in Ecuador, she is here to be whatever we need her to be, be that friend, sister, mentor, or temporary mom. Her house was open to us whenever, and we could spend as much time or as little time there as we wanted to there. She could cook for us, sit with us, go to the market with us, or just laugh with us, whenever we needed. Her door will always be open, and arms always ready to pick us up when we need it. Well...after that little speech, I lost it. Literally, I was just sobbing there on her couch. Feeling so broken, while at the same time so relieved. Not to mention that the soundtrack from Forrest Gump was playing in the background. It was all very cathartic, and I tried to explain as best I could that she was exactly what I needed in Ecuador. The whole thing was very comforting, very loving, very Hallmark, but so soothing.

After that, we´ve been off and running. I hang out there A LOT, and have already become close friends with her family. I think they´ve really taken me under their wing, and kind of adore the fact that i´m the "little lupe". Fate I tell you. She made me the most delicious breakfast the other day with coffee that I desperately needed. I just love laughing with her, and enjoy hearing her stories. I feel very safe at that house, and know it is going to be a house that I continue spending a lot of time at.

Oh and well sometimes my spanish fails me, while talking to Lupe, and I don´t have the words to say what I need to, or to understand what she´s telling me. So funny story. After one morning I spent with Lupe, Theresa goes over there to have lunch. Theresa comes home and tells me all about the "trip" Lupe and I are planning with her family--how we´re going to the "finca" (her farm house in the country), and how excited we are over it, and how we´re just waiting to pick a date. Theresa was like how come you didn´t tell us you were going, and I was like uhhh, I didn´t know we were even planning a trip. I thought we were just talking about her other house in the country. However sometime during that long winded conversation, she must have asked me if I wanted to go, I agreed, and then we started preparing for a time when we would leave. This is a perfect example of how sometimes I MISS sooo much of what in the world we´re even talking about--- in so many of the conversations I have here in Ecuador ha. Luckily I didn´t agree to giving away my first born, because I feel like I could have just as easily done that! haha

Needless to say, Lupe is bringing me a lot of joy here in Ecuador, and she is part of the main reason I am feeling better, feeling lighter. My community has also been stellar. We had a really fun community night last night where we just laughed and laughed. Very much overdue.

So here are a few closing thoughts for you all as I head out to plan for Semillas first "paseo" or field trip today. (we´re going to be watching UP in our retreat house with popcorn and soda---i´m so relieved because only 14 of the best kids from the week are coming, and it´s going to be a really chill afternoon):

1. Something I love here in Ecuador is walking by the local panaderias and smelling the sweet scent of fresh baked bread every morning. There are so many ugly smells that I encounter daily, but because the panaderias are dispersed pretty evenly, it makes for a nice balance of really great smelling thing to offset the awful scents, ie burning trash, poop, etc.

2. I came home the other day and there were about 7 cows in our frontyard, I couldn´t help but start laughing and shake my head....oh Ecuador.

3. Tonight we´re going to the airport to pick up the 4 returning volunteers who are going to be working at the new site in Mt. Sinaii: Amy, Carolyn, Danny, and Tracy. I am sooo excited to see them, and it´s going to be really great to get to talk with them again, along with see them sporatically throughout the year.

4. At Redima I went on my first home visit out in El Recreo yesterday. Michele and I visited with a woman who has HIV and checked in on her health and children. Although a very sad experience that disturbed me a lot, I felt that this was one of those times that I felt pure human connection. Her speech was severely impacted by the disease along with her cognitive functioning, but just sitting there and talking with her for that short time reminded me of what our mission is here. Being. The simple idea of being with someone and letting them know that they are not alone. I was uncomfortable throughout most of the time, but I think that was a good thing. It made it more real, more human.

5. Finally, I wanted to share with you all that my brother made it safely to Spain, and is adjusting very nicely. Maybe even having a little too much fun, but i´m glad he´s also experiencing something exciting and new. It´s funny how being thousands of miles away from each other is actually bringing us closer. I don´t think we´ve ever sent this many emails back and forth to each other, but it´s something I really love and look forward to.

So again, thank you ALL!!! for your continued support! In no particular order Mom and Dad, the Kelly´s/Altieris, Jacki, Leslie, Gisele, Theresa, Jen, Katie, I can´t write all of your names, but please, please KNOW that I am so grateful, and appreciative of all that you have given to me. I feel the love regardless of the fact that i´m all the way over here in Ecuador.

LOVEEE YOU SOOO MUCHHH,
Lupita

So this is culture shock...

I wasn´t sure if I was going to write a blog this week, only because well, my week wasn´t so great. I thought, why would I want them to hear about my homesickness, my frustration, and my sadness...that just doesn´t sound good---but then I rethought it, and figured it´s better to share what i´m going through then keep it bottled up. I guess in a way, I was trying to censor you all, so that I could seem stronger, and less vulnerable...But let´s face it, we all have moments that are tougher than others. This was just one of those weeks.

It´s hard to describe but this past week I just haven´t been myself. Little things have been getting to me, i´m increasingly irritable, somewhat obsessed with cleaning, and more and more I retreat to the isolation of my room. I am frustrated everyday and am trying so hard to be positive, but my efforts just seem futile. Both Semillas and Redima were two things this week that I was just not into. The kids bothered me, and my co-workers were constantly on my nerves. It´s so hard to fake happiness too, especially for me because my emotions are blatantly visible to all based on my body language and face. Essentially what it comes down to is homesickness and culture shock--each thing is perpetuating the negatives of the other.

I miss home, I miss my bed, I miss my morning coffee and yogurt with berries. I want to be able to go out at night, and not have to worry about safety. I want to be able to come home after a long day and not have to cook for six people. I don´t want to have to deal with hundreds of thousands of ants!! I want to be able to run outside by myself. I don´t want to speak spanish 24/7, and I don´t want to eat any more stinking bananas. I want to have breakfast at Cristy´s and eat pancakes, and more than anything I want to be around my family and friends.

I am definitely struggling, and trying so hard to be okay. My community sees it too, and that´s another reason why this is so hard. I want to be able to open up to them, and for them to see me, but for some reason I resist. It´s still so difficult to be myself with them, and there is always that fear that i´m burdening them with too much. I know they want to help me, but it´s hard to make yourself vulnerable.

But we are a community, and we are supposed to be there for one another. I know they struggle too, but I think some of them are just better at letting the little things go, where for me, it´s the little things that really get to me.

This morning we had a 3 hour reflection on the pillar of community, what it means, when does it bring us joy, and when does it bring us difficulty. I think if anything, this discussion made me reflect on what a gift i´ve been given--this gift of living in community, learning from others, and seeing the need for all of us in this situation; we are each a part of something greater than ourselves-- but it also put a lot of emphasis on how this idea of community will be something we constantly struggle with--how it´s also the hardest part of Ecuador.

I know I will get through this rough patch; it is something we will all go through at some point. We all need to be broken and recognize our brokeness before we can fully understand the complexity of this experience and how much we can grow from it. This is something we talk about all the time, I guess I just didn´t realize that it would hit me so hard.

I´m sorry if this was a little more negative than what you all were hoping, but it´s something that´s heavy on my heart, so instead of pretending that everything is just ducky, I figured I´d be honest with you all.

Know that I still continue to pray for you all and miss you more than you know. Keep sending emails and updating me on your lives---it always puts a smile on my face when I can see your names in my inbox :-)

Love you muchisimo,
lupita