so long, farewell.....auf wiedersehen, goodnight

well...this is it folks.....my year is ending.

to be quite honest i don´t even know where to begin. how did this happen? where did the days go? these past two weeks have been an absolute rollercoaster of emotion....some of my highest moments and some of my most poignant moments of the entire year. it´s really mentally exhausting.

i know that while going through it, this year felt LONG. sometimes it felt like it would never end. when i look back to the beginning of my time here, and see how i was really keen on crossing out days on my calendar(it was a habit that gave me a little strength...just trying to make it through each one), i am reminded of how hard "this" used to be. how homesick i was. but now....it´s like i´m trying to stop time....trying to make it go as slow as possible. savoring every moment. having those beautiful "thin place" experiences. i have no idea what is ahead of me, or what this whole "goodbye" process is going to look like. i can only imagine that it is going to hurt like hell. i always said, i would come to ecuador in tears, and probably leave worse off then i came---everyone knows the llorona that i am. but i know it will be okay. these friendships, these relationships i have here. i know they´re real. and this is not the end. it can´t be. ecuador will be a part of my life forever, there´s no way i could let go that easily.

and heck, everyone knows i´m the best letter writer ever(come on, at least i got that). but still i can´t help but let my mind wander daily to what it will be like when i have to leave this place that has become my hogar.

on sunday we had our final despedida party with all of our friends and neighbors. now, let me just give a little background on this---i was literally stressing out, while i do love to entertain, throwing a party for over a 100 ecuas, didn´t quite sound like it was going to go over smoothly, and on top of it, 5 very different people in charge of coordinating it...yeah, not so fun.....however, this fiesta went off without a hitch....it was a freaking awsome party....on top of it, the mundial was on, so of cours ppl were pumped. so here was the scene:approx 100 degrees, small little tent, tiny little tv, 50 or so ecuas crowding this tv, melted candy, greasy fried maduros, lots of waka waka dancing, lots of waving the flag dancing, musical chairs, penetencias, rifa prizes, screaming children, laughing children, balloon popping, cola pouring, did i mention it was hot as hell??? reggaeton dancing, yeah it was ridiculous---however, probably one of the best parties i have ever been too....i didn´t anticipate myself enjoying it as much as i did, because i just accepted the fact that i was going to be a hostess----but i guess thats what happens when you don´t have expectations....just so much fun. a day i will remember forever.

and the week goes on. we are in the midst of so much planning. planning for the newbies coming, cleaning the houses, organizing their orientation, leaving our job sites, how we´re going to say goodbye....what we "might" do when we go home....you can imagine how stressful it all is. transitions are really hard for me, but i know they always work out. i just have to keep reminding myself that God brought me here for a reason, and because of that, He´s going to help me figure the rest of "this" out---going home, reaclimating to life in the US, and figuring out where i´m headed next. when i keep that mindset, i can breathe a little bit easier.

another little addedum to my time here as well, is that i´m actually going to be leaving earlier than my housemates. most of you might know this already, but, for those of you who don´t, my best friend leslie is going to be getting married August 7th! and after many conversations and talks with my community i´ve decided that i cannot miss this wedding. for me this whole year has been about relationships, true friendships, and being there for those people in my life that i love and care about----now, while it´s going to be really hard to get on a plane alone, leaving behind so many people i love, this moment in my friends life is so special and important, and it would be such a shame if i missed it. i will eventually have to leave ecuador, no matter how hard it will be. at least now, i will have the opportunity to jump right back into life, sharing in a beautiful moment with some of my most special friends. :-)

and until then, it´s literally this idea of "no regrets"---there´s no time left---i´m trying to do everything i possibly can in the amount of time i have....spending afternoons with all my favorite friends, tejeríng with pastora, coloring with my neighbors, eating all the ecua food i love so much, hugging as many ADHD kids as i can each day (even though they´ve been driving me crazy!!!--semillas numbers have been in the 90´s for the past week, i´m ready to leave this behind....) and just hanging out with my community mates. it´s now or never. even though i know i´ll come back to ecuador, it will never be the same as how it is now.

emotions have been really fragile in our house lately because we´re all a little on edge, but these past few weeks have also probably been the most fun for us as well. it´s been a constant comedy show in our house. lots of crazy freak outs, but also a lot of kodak moments....recently tom has been sharing with us new insight into his "Abs diet" (he recently found the book buried in a pile of old books...and to be honest, that´s where it should´ve stayed)--he really loves the superfoods these days, and if you´d like to know what they are, you should ask him, he´s an expert by now...dan and i have probably had about 3 huge fights in the past week, like screaming matches (well i guess i was the only one screaming) but then we make up until the next day when something else sets us off, and theresa is actually leaving next week because she´s off to med school, so everytime i see her start crying i start crying, she´s so funny though because sometimes she just can´t handle our craziness and walks out of the room...so then we call her in and say "THERESAAA, THEREESSAAA come hang out with us" and she goes..."ya know what... you guys are just a little to much for me right now", and heads to her room. she´s far too sane to be around us 24/7....and karla, well karla´s been pretty normal too i guess, a constant normal this whole year. she´s definitely the buffer of this whole equation. i don´t know what we wouldve done without her this year. the whole lot of us are a bunch of nutjobs really...but. living together for a year, you start to just become accustomed to everyone´s craziness. i think one of the hardest parts of leaving ecuador will be leaving my housemates, who i have grown to love so much. they have been my support system this entire year, regardless of how often we fight or scream at each other...i am going to miss them so much. but at least in the states we´ll have cell phones...won´t that be a new adjustment?

so anyway---that hodgepodged blog was a little bit of insight into my life these past few weeks/days....now begins all the "lasts" moments---which will be hard, i know, but we´ll make it through. i started writing this blog thinking it would be my last too, but now that i´m thinking about it, i feel like i´m not ready to end it yet. for all my loyal readers out there, i think there will be one more--no i promise there will be one more. it might be even messier than what i usually write, but there will be a "last".

so to send you off, i just want to say thank you again for all of the support. for the hundreds of letters i´ve received, the sour watermelons that never ceased, the endless amounts of prayers and love that you have shown to me throughout my time here. i would not have made it without you all. you have shown me love in it´s most raw form, and i appreciate every bit of it.

when i come home, i look forward to having conversations with everyone. god knows i´m going to need to process this year, and "what" exactly it was.....but until that time, know that i am still praying for you and your wellbeing. i love you all so much. stay joyful and present to the moment you´re in.

love always,
jamie