Gracias!

So in light of this thanksgiving holiday, i´d like to share a quote i have found particularly moving throughout my time here:

"Gratitude is not just a psychological disposition, but a virtue. Gratitude is ultimate participation in the divine life itself. The spirit of God in us recognizes God in the world. The eyes and ears by which we can see God in others are in fact spiritual sensitivies that allow us to receive our neighbor as a messenger of God himself."---Henri Nouwen

I am so blessed. Beyond blessed actually. Yesterday was another pivotal marker on my timeline for this year. Something was different, and i felt it all day. While it was a sad day for me, that did not change the fact that my ultimate disposition was joyful. It started at 6am when i decided to make a banana bread to bring into Redima to celebrate at work. I had to run out at the crack of dawn and buy the necessary ingredients, flour, sugar, bananas, etc but i felt like that part of craziness coincided with that normally felt on a holiday day---at my last stop i realized i forgot the vanilla, so i randomly asked the bread shop if they knew where i could get some---he then pulled out this big economy sized bottle of vanilla from his fridge and poured out a solid 1/2 cup for me to use. When i asked him how much, he just said, "no no, just take it". I was like are you sure, and he was like absolutely--I don´t know if it was just the mood i woke up in but for some reason even that small act touched me. From that moment on, the day only continued being beautiful.

While i was lugging the hot pan of banana bread on the bus to Redima, i got very strange stares, (here i was this crazy gringa trying to catch a bus with a hot pan, you can imagine how graceful i looked) after i got on a lady sat down next to me and asks , "a vender" to sell? and i was like oh no, it´s a gift, for my friends at work---and she was just like it smells delicious, tell me about it--so of course i did, and then i realized, what the hell---it´s thanksgiving, a day of sharing food with others, so i just cut her out a slice to try (even though it killed me to break into my beautifully baked presentation, i figured it would be very hypocritical not to share in that moment) she of course loved it, and that made me smile. who knows if that small act prompted her to share kindness with others that day.

Anyway, so when i got to Redima, they all loved the bread and wanted the details about the recipe etc. I tried to explain to them how grateful i was for their guidance and presence and continued hospitality, and was met with many hugs and lots of kisses. Then....after i explained how today (well yesterday now) we celebrate our holiday with turkey, yadda yadda stuff---my "boss" Ada, goes out to buy sweet breads for us to celebrate the holidays at work! I was just like are you kidding me?? Here i was trying to express my gratitude by bringing them in a treat, and then they go out to try and make me feel better about missing "my" holiday and bring back more food for us to share together. This is just a small insight into how truly giving they are. Their generousity and ultimate self-gift is so profoundly moving for me. I am blessed by their small acts everyday, and everyday i just wonder how i can be more like them, more generous, more giving. For those of you who know me, sharing is definitely not my strong point. But i´m trying so hard to work on it!

After my day at Redima, Karla and I spent the afternoon together, and it was just lovely---we sat and shared coffee and talked about holiday memories, and how this year will always be special to us, even though we miss home and are sad. We will continue to have countless holidays with our families, but this year, we will never get back. We tried to keep reminding ourselves of how lucky we are just to be here experiencing this--gaining this insight and growth, making these relationships, having these conversations--so much to be grateful for. My whole family even called too from Boston and I got to talk with everyone, which was amazing! it was like I was right there with them--sitting at the table, laughing at the craziness that is my family :-)

The day only continued to get better at Semillas---i don´t know what else to say except i love those kids. I absolutely adore them. They have become what I think about during my daydreaming episodes--I wonder about what they´re doing at school, what they´re doing at home, what they´re eating, if they´re eating, if they´re parents are home, what activity i can play with them today, how i can be more creative with them, how i can get them to be more creative with their own ideas---they consume my thoughts. I am greeted everday by tons of hugs and kisses, and until yesterday I don´t think i ever really appreciated how much love I am shown everyday. Without fail. They are all so beautiful. After semillas Karla and I headed back down to the "center" of arbolito and sat on the curb enjoying a chocolate pan--a little holiday treat we gave ourselves. Sitting there in that moment, I felt it again--joy, yes I was sad I wasn´t home, but that didn´t change how profound my feeling of joy was. It was so simple, but there was no place else i would have rather been then right there, sitting with Karla, talking about Semillas kids, and laughing about the stupid shitt they do everyday.

We ended the afternoon by having everyone in our Rostro volunteer community over for an ecua holiday dinner---no turkey, but there was some chicken--rice, maduros, and veggies--it was delicious--and karla and i made another banana bread to have after dinner. Oh and how could i forget! Lupe!! made our thanksgiving dinner---yes---she came to our house because she knew it was a holiday for us, and helped cook for everyone---she wanted us to have a beautiful, delicious dinner, and therefore made sure it would be. I am continually blown away by all that is Lupe. She is one of the most giving people I have ever met.

And it still isn´t over--tonight we are all invited over to our friend Pat´s house for a "real" thanksgiving dinner--turkey and all the other stuff will be there---how lucky are we?? no seriously, how freaking lucky are we? I really can´t get over it at times. Here I am celebrating two delicious meals with plenty of people who may as well be my family, and then there are some of my semillas kids who are content each night eating a plate of rice. How does that not break your heart?

So yeah....I am grateful....and I am joyful....sad, but joyful. I love my life here, and find such beauty in so many small moments each day. While I wished I could´ve been at Jacki´s pre-holiday party on Wednesday night playing trivial pursuit or left right center while eating pumpkin pie, I know I will have plenty more of those memories to come. Would I have loved to crash at the Altieri´s for some crazy Kelly fun and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, absolutely, but I have my whole life to live next door to that family that I love so much. Right now, I am here in Ecuador, and in this moment I am grateful for all that that means to me.

Oh yeah, and I am thankful that I am officially "lice-free" ,-)

drum roll please....

well it´s finally happened.

i have lice. ha. mom, please don´t stress. as i´m writing this, i´m just laughing. it´s really just too funny. i don´t want you to think i´m freaking out, because honestly, i´ve been very calm about this. maybe three months ago i would´ve had a cow, but right now, it´s just too comical. it was absolutely inevitable too.

there are a handful of kids at semillas who have it, and the other day i came home from work and went to lupe´s, and was just like, " lupe, my head is really itchy, i think i might have lice" and she was like "come here mi hija". so i sat down while she combed through my hair, picking little "piojos" out left and right. there was something very soothing about this whole process. as disgusting as it is, i felt very tranquila and safe, and unaffected whatsoever. lupe just kept saying, "don´t worry hunny we´ll fix this, we´ll get through it". i was so at ease.

let me be the first to say, i was always completely grossed out by lice before i came here. even the thought of it made me tic, but seriously, it´s not that bad. i´m really okay, and it´s not even that itchy. it´s just another "ecua" thing here, that is absolutely a part of life. while i might get rid of them now, the probability that i will get them again before i leave is very high, so why freak when there´s no need.

in other news---field trip today!! woot woooooot! and guess where we´re going?!?!
MCDONALDS!!

yup that´s right---straight to the golden arches! the kids are really pumped too, i hope everything goes smoothly--again the best 10 kids from the past week were invited to come. hamberguesas for all! :-)

let´s see what else to report on: well, we´ve started a new little running club here in arbolito--tom and i are the main members, but theresa and dan have joined in a few times too. it´s a really nice way to start my mornings--behind our house is literally barren land, uninhabited, kinda looks like the african savannah, so we just run out as far as we feel like and then turn back around to head back. it´s so peaceful and quiet, and i really enjoy the conversations that take place during those runs. well, sometimes tom forgets that he´s a harvard trained football player running with an unathletic female, and he can get a little too intense for my out of shape abilities, so the conversation at least takes my mind off the fact that i´m usually sucking wind.

and i´ve also been tutoring 2 little girls in english every afternoon after semillas---it is absolutely one of the highlights of my day--they are soo sweet and adorable, and i LOVE them. Evelyn is 8 and Angie is 12 and we have SO much fun together. i taught them the ABC´s and head, shoulders, knees and toes (which they loved!) and now we are working on numbers, colors, and days of the week. we just laugh so much, and it´s always very chill. they´re jsut awesome girls, and i´m so happy to have them be a part of my ecualife.

that´s about it for now folks. life is still really good here, still really funny all the time--lots of laughter being had in the arbolito house--yesterday in particular with a certain bathroom incident that i will not be elaborating on, but use your imagination.

anyway, i love and miss you ALL so freaking much. i´m sending you cyber hugs as we speak!
keep the letters coming--they are such a high for me!
paz y amor,
lupita

baby when the lights go out....aka se fue la luz

alright--so get this.

we´re short on power----no let me refrase that: ecuador is short on power.

what exactly does this mean? well, ecuador gets its power from a river/water source/ or something like that (i´m still not so great on translating general media, i.e. newspapers, news, etc) and it has not rained a day since i´ve gotten here (3months). hence the river is low....hence it´s not generating power----hence....and here comes the clincher----we lose power everyday for about 5 hours---also known as "rolling blackouts"....again what does this all mean??

well everyday i wake up with no power---not really a big deal, seeing that it´s bright out and we don´t really use power for anything in the morning. but then the power goes out again at about 6:30pm to around 9:30pm....hmmm what time does the sun set here--oh yeah that´s right, 6:30pm, pitch blackness---DARKNESS, you would think it´s 10pm at night at that time...so basically what we´re living is this: cooking in the dark, reading in the dark, showering in the dark, planning activities in the dark, sitting in the dark, talking in the dark, praying in the dark, doing yoga in the dark, peeing in the dark and the list goes on....we´ve been doing this black out thing for about a week now, and i was like alright, i´m okay, yeah it creeps me out and all, but i can handle this for a few more days----wait for it......wait for it----you probably already know what´s coming

we were told yesterday that this will probably go on for 60 DAYS!!! ARE YOU SHITTING ME!!! 60 DAYS! YOU´VE GOT TO BE KIDDING! we will not have power until the "rains" come. i´m strangely starting to feel like noah. me and karla literally just looked at each other and started hysterically laughing....and then the tears came--i mean seriously??? what is my life??.....now this may not seem like a big deal, and i guess it is pretty minor, but try to imagine cooking a meal for five people by candlelight, try to imagine showering in the pitch black---it really isn´t easy! thank god for gas stoves, but still! i just had to vent a bit because as we´re experiencing, and continuing to live: ECUADOR ALWAYS WINS. punto.

thank god i brought a headlamp.

Aloja Loja!

Hi Mom, Dad, Brandon, Grams, Auntie, Voutey Girls, Altieri´s, Kanoffs, family, friends, everyone I love!

¿How are you all? Todo bien I hope. Again as I sit down to write this entry, I feel like I have so much to say and am not quite sure how to write it--so many GREAT things have been going on in my life---the most exciting probably being the four day vacation I took to Vilcabamba, Loja this past weekend. Absolutely amazing. I´m going to try my best to update you on this crazy life, but my thoughts are most likely going to be scattered, per usual. Let´s see how this turns out.

Here goes....

So last friday at about 11pm, Mary, Megan, and I set out for our destination---Le Rendezvous Hosteria in Vilcabamba, Loja--aka the ciudad de juventud---or city of youth. Megan had been talking about Vilcabamba for a while saying that she really wanted to get back there during one of our long weekends, and based on her descriptions of this quaint little town, I knew that it had to be a place I visited before I left Ecuador. Let´s just say that this little town surpassed all of my expectations and now ranks pretty highly in my list of travels---I will definitely go back one day. Maybe even my honeymoon....well i guess i shouldn´t get ahead of myself ha.

You´re probably wondering why we left at 11 at night, and that is because in order to get to this lovely place, we needed to hop on a bus for 9 hrs---yeah that´s right, i was on a bus for 9hrs overnight. and surprisingly, i handled it pretty well, i guess i should also mention that this 9hr bus ride was up through the Andes mountains. so for about 2 hrs during our ascension up the rocky cliffs, i was pretty much scared shittless, but again--handled myself well ha---like i said, i´d do it again---well worth the trip. So we got to Vilcabamba at about 8am, and fortunately weren´t wiped from an overnight bus.

Our Hostel was absolutely adorable---when I say I felt like I was in a storybook--I do not lie. We had our own room, own bathroom, with HOT water, a little terrace with a hammock, and from our front door we had the most beautiful view of gardens and mountains. It was breathtaking. Not to mention, the climate in this town is described as a "constant spring"---perfectly temperate--so being there was an awesome reprieve from the hundred degree heat we face everyday here in Durán. The Hostel was run by a cute little french couple who moved to Vilcabamba after traveling there and falling in love with the place--i can totally see how that happened, so easy to do---they greeted us every morning so cheerily, and as part of our stay there we were given a DELICIOUS breakfast served fresh to us every morning on our terrace---overlooking the mountains, the gardens, the humingbirds, beauty, life etc----i need to elaborate more on this breakfast because for me it was definitely one of the highlights of my trip---fresh squeezed pinapple, mango, passion fruit and orange juice, hot, rich, brewed coffee in a cute little ceramic pot, fresh fruit cup with papaya, banana, watermelon, mango, scrambled eggs, crunchy, CRUNCHY real wheat toast with seeds and nuts and all that good stuff topped with real butter and french jam--maybe the best bread i have ever eaten--ya know what, maybe even the best breakfast i´ve ever eaten. i mean all of that paired with the view, the climate, the "vacation" feel----those mornings were beautiful. simply marvelous as my mom might say.

so after we started each day off with the breakfast of champions---we´d head out to do some more lovely things---i.e. go horseback riding in the mountains (1st time i´ve EVER riden a horse, also 1st time I almost died on a horse---well maybe that´s exaggerating a bit, but let´s just say once is enough), shop around at the cute artisan markets, sit in café´s and eat more delicious food---crepes being one of my favorites---oh, or get massages at one of the many spas that the town prides itself on....yeah this sounds ridiculous doesn´t it---it was---that juxtaposed next to my life in Durán--you really can´t get more opposite. and i´m not saying i "deserved" this vacation after living in Durán for 3 months, because it´s not like that either---it´s just that this was definitely a time to replenish---a time to focus on me for a little bit, and enjoy some of the beautiful things Ecuador has to offer. i hope this doesn´t sound selfish, well i guess in a way it kind of was...but a good selfish---like it was necessary for me to take care of myself, and breathe for a bit, so that i could continue to grow and take care of others---and i really don´t even think im rationalizing.

anyways---i guess what i´m trying to say is that Vilcabamba was the clean, pure, breath of fresh air that i was really craving. and we had SO much fun---Mary is just hilarious--so funny and real--traveling with her was a great decision because we were on the same page for everything we wanted to do. i never felt that stress or obligation that i had to sacrifice or "do" something i didn´t want to just to compromise with what the group wanted to do. we always agreed which was easy. and what else... let´s see---i mean there really isn´t much else to say---overall just so relaxing, so chill, so fun, and necessary. if i had to put a number on this trip it would definitely get a 9.5/10---the only thing that would´ve made it better would´ve been if my mom was there to have breakfast with me every morning. all i kept thinking about was---geeze my mom would love this moment---maybe one day she´ll come back with me, but i think we´d have to fly there because there´s no way in hell she´d ever get on the same bus i did--sorry mom!

back to work on wednesday after a lovely trip...however, i really wasn´t dreading it---redima wasn´t bad, and semillas was...well...okay---we had another incident on wednesday, but i really can´t even get into it right now---maybe in time i´ll be able to write about it, but for right now, it´s still pretty raw.

and today is friday---these weeks just keep on flying! 3 months! i´ve been here for 3 months, and i still can´t believe it. it scares me when i turn the page on my calendar without ever even looking at the month that passed. so bizarre.

well i´ve gotta run, there´s more i could say, but i´ve just spent way to much time and money in this stupid little cyber. oh! i need to give a little shout out to Big Bri---he needs to know how much he brightened my day this past wednesday after a really shitty semillas afternoon. so thank you for that. seriously.

i love love love you all, but i hope you know that. happy belated birthday Troy! i was thinking about you yesterday, but couldn´t get to a computer!

the letters have all been great! thank you everyone!

i´m going to try and put pictures of vilcabamba up soon---but also check out mary´s blog because she might get them up quicker than i can--marycarlton.blogspot.com

miss you mucho!
xoxox,
lupita

life´s simple pleasures

Saludos familia y amigos!

Today I came home from work and was so anxious to blog--i felt like i had so much to say, so much to tell---so I literally "ran" to the cyber--and on my way passed a bloody chicken head, smelt horrible burning trash, heard blasting reggaeton from one of our bizarre neighbor´s house, and the entire time was grinning from ear to ear. i feel like i´m glowing---maybe that´s because i´m actually sweating right now, but you get the picture.

These past two weeks have been ridiculous. Jam packed with so much. The last time I wrote I was anxiously awaiting my first retreat group from Villanova and while I still don´t really know what they felt/thought of their experience here, for me---it was a life-giving week. All of my nerves were immediately calmed after meeting them and feeling their energy and enthusiasm. I could not have anticipated a better experience---their reflections were so profound, I would literally leave them with insight that I had never even thought of before. During one of the reflections I had voiced how I just FEEL so much here, everything is intensified--things are never just¨"good" or "bad"---they are extreme--amazing or horrible...I never have just mezza mez days, they range from "wow, this day was absolutely beautiful, I cannot get over how much love I feel" to "holy shitt this world is so ugly and I´m just so angry and upset with what i´m living" Literally, this is the polarity of my emotions. But then, one of the retreatants said to me, "Jamie at least you feel"---and I had never really thought about this before. How easy it is to go through life in the mundane---to wake up go to work, eat lunch, come home, work out, eat dinner, go to bed---and then repeat. While a lot of times what I feel is harsh and raw and cruel, she forced me to recognize, at least I feel. At least I know my heart is working right? As tough as it is, I think I would rather be this full of emotion than feel nothing at all....so yeah, just something to ponder.

Ultimately, Villanova forced me to question A LOT---a lot about my purpose here, a lot about my intentions, and most importantly a lot about my faith. After they left, I felt completely disoriented and thrown for a loop, but again, I find this to be a good thing. The questions are good---I don´t want to have these firm beliefs that can´t be tested or questioned, or be so single minded that I am ignorant or stubborn to other ways of thinking. A few of them recommended I read some books by Shane Claiborne, and while I was hesitant at first, I´m finding a lot of meaning in them. If anyone has any free time for some pleasure reading, (or some thought provoking matieral) I would definitely recommend The Irresistible Revolution---it´s so eye opening--and just puts "life" so simply and honestly. Check it out if you have time, seriously. So all in all---Villanova=great group. I feel so blessed to have been able to get to know them and have such intense conversations about this life we´re all living. At times I felt like I was the one on retreat and they were leading me.

So this past weekend our entire RdC community went on our own retreat down to the beach in Las Playas...it could not have come at a more perfect time--our community has been going through some pretty difficult things, and we all really needed this time to take a step back, breathe, and restore ourselves. It was such a beautiful weekend. We stayed at a friend of Rostro´s beach house, and it was absolutely perfect. While the weather was overcast (and I still managed to get severely burned) it was nice to have a cozy weekend away and space to think and reflect. The whole time I felt like i was a part of a big family reunion--with all my cousins, etc. It´s hard to describe but you know those days when it´s cloudy and a little chilly and you can put on a sweatshirt and sweatpants and still sit outside on the beach and be perfectly content enjoying the weather---it was like that, wow what a run on--i liked it better because it was cool and i could be cozy-- sort of thing--if that makes any sense at all ha. And there were tons of hammocks on the roof--talk about a perfect spot. Waking up in the morning, and taking my journal up to the roof with a blanket and just letting my thoughts flow--such a great way to wake up. And we ate like Americans haha! french toast, apples, deli sandwiches, hamburgers, oreos, m & ms, chicken, doritos, starburst, salad, granola, yogurt--it was a feast let me tell you---but so overdue. never in my life would i think i´d be so excited over a turkey sandwich and ruffles haha---oh the simple pleasures. We laughed so much too about ridiculous things, played soccer on the beach, swam in the huge waves--even though it was pretty cold, and had some great conversations. Mary and I also sang a lot of broadway tunes which was wonderful obvi...i´m not sure what the others thought about it, but we certainly enjoyed ourselves ha!

Most of the retreat focused on our five senses---and getting back in tune with them. I feel like i´ve used the word sensory overload a lot here, and this past weekend, we had a chance to re-evaluate exactly what we are constantly sensing. We also examined five questions continuously during the retreat---- "What do I know, what do i value, what do i feel, what do i do, and what do i need?" it seems so easy right? but if you really think about it, these five questions are pretty difficult, and a little overwhelming. I´ve basically come to the conclusion that I don´t know much at all, that I need a heck of a lot, that i´m not really sure what exactly i do, that most of the time i feel confused, and essentially I value love above all things. Period. That´s about as far as I got after a lot of reflection and endless ruminating. We used these five questions to talk about ourselves, to talk about our relationship with God and to talk about our communities. It was such an interesting exercise. Again it sounds so simple, but try it, you may find yourself really surprised.

And what else...I feel like there should be more, but for right now i´m pretty exhausted---I actually wrote this entry in two sittings because I ran out of time and had to get to Semillas....which I need to note was stellar today---only 15 kiddos, and they were little angels. So sweet and cute and quiet! We colored, we played games, it was awesome. What a way to start the week :-)

So I think i´m going to end on that good note---Tom and I are making grilled cheese tonight for dinner with banana smoothies. I´m not gonna lie, i´m pretty pumped for that.

Please continue praying for me and my community---we´re trying so hard to live in harmony, and be loving towards each other, but as you can imagine i´m sure, it´s really difficult at times.....still we move forward---adelante!

I love you all so much, and miss you dearly! I´m going to try and post some pictures really soon--but again, these darn computers are so stinking slow!

Con un abrazo fuerte, y un monton de besitos,
Lupita

oh happy day....

so i feel good...no i feel great right now.

this has been a beautiful week so far. lots and lots of laughter, lots of bonding, and lots of sighs of relief....i´m finally finding a rhythm.

i think it started last friday with our RdC day of reflection. about every month our whole group comes together to reflect upon what´s going on thus far...how are we feeling, what´s on our minds, and there´s also a lot of focus placed on the pillars of which Rostro is based on. this past week we talked a lot about simplicity. at first it seemed really easy to put attention on material simplicity and how we´re doing in regards to that; what are we eating, how much are we spending, what are we doing wtih our spare time yadda yadda, and while a lot of times it can seem extreme what i may be doing--the whole no internet in the house, no ipod, no tv, no coffee pot, no air conditioning and the list goes on....i think what last friday really allowed me to focus on was spiritual and mental simplicity. let me try and explain. and in doing so, i´m going to refer to one of the readings that was given to us by thomas merton on detachment. merton basically writes a lot about how we can become "attached" to so many things in life, so many thoughts, so many ideas, so many expectations, fears, people, goals, habits----and that these attachments can become barriers to attaining the peace and tranquility that God has reserved for us. i for one am attached to so many things, i´m attached to my fears, my habits, my expectations for this year and for my life, to my relationships---so many worries, so many thoughts that keep me from letting go, from just "being". there is only so much i can control, i have to stop, i have to just let life take its course and live every moment gracefully and as fully as i possibly can.

this week both at semillas and at redima i really tried to just "be". i took in every detail, every conversation, every observation, paused, reflected, prayed, and did my best to be present in everything i did. whether it was listening to a patient talk about her trials in trying to get pregnant, or help jonathan with his math activity, i put every ounce of energy i had into what was happening in these moments. while it may have not been completely successful all the time, i.e. i still got upset and frustrated with certain things, by the end of most days, i felt i was not as emotionally exhausted as i normally am. for the first time since i´ve been here, i felt that this week i was able to really bond with my community mates, to laugh and talk and shoot the shitt with them. i felt lighter, and carefree, and just happier. we even danced it was great! oh but i guess i should include a funny little story, that is so ironic really....

so yes i am adopting this new mindset, of letting go, of just living fully and trying to not stress, but as always i am far from perfect. so thursday-- dan and i got into a little heated discussion, no okay lets say argument---our first really big one---and i was pissed...i´m not going to go into details, but what ended up happening was me storming out of the kitchen and slamming my bedroom door hard, like really hard....while i simmered in there for a solid ten minutes, karla finally came to the door and asked if she could come in (she has been such a rock for me here, i can´t even tell you how supportive she has been with me)....knowing fully that i had just made a really immature move and acted like a baby i said yes, and asked her to come in....well here came the problem. she couldn´t open the door. it was stuck/jammed---yes i broke it---totally broke it, and remained stuck in my room for another fifteen minutes while karla and michele tried to free me. this ended with having to take the door knob off and using many different tools to pry the door open. mind you i couldn´t just jump out the window because we have bars on them....so yes i was indeed locked in my room...the irony of it was just perfect, God was laughing at me for losing my temper and patience, and i couldnt help but laugh as well...neither could dan, who after i escaped had the biggest smirk on his face. needless to say, i apologized, and we had a good conversation after the fact. and at least it ended on a positive note....well not for tom who has to fix the door. ha!

so que mas....oh! this weekend, our community mates from mt. sinaii have also been staying with us, and that has just been fabulous! i love having them here in arbolito--they are the four volunteers from last year who decided to stay another year and work on building a new community about 45 minutes away from duran. we have had so much fun with them. last night we went to our guard abrahan´s 32 birthday party--our first ecua party---and honestly it was not as awkward as i anticipated it to be. i mean it was ridiculous, but doable. the invitation said 8:30p, but of course you don´t show up until 2 hours after the fact in ecuador, so the 15 of us gringos showed up at 10:30 to a room filled with ecuadorians, blasting music, a fog machine, and lots of salsa dancing. we didn´t stick out or anything. ;-)

but in all seriousness, it was fun. we danced, or at least tried to, we ate, and attempted to chat amidst the unbearably loud music. that was pretty futile considering i can barely understand spanish when people are screaming it at me in a silent room---so this involved a lot of head nodding and smiling ha---at 2oclock when we left, the party was still going on, and continued to go on till 7:30am this morning---how do we know that, oh yeah we live down the street from abrahan´s house! so some of us could still hear it!

not really much else to comment on---i just want to reiterate how much better i am doing, after so many negative posts---geeze i reread some of my entries and even felt bad for myself---i swear, i´m better--smiling and still crazy, but more my usual self. which for some of you i´m sure is a relief. i think some of it may have to do with the pancake breakfast theresa and i made for dinner thursday night---having chocolate chip pancakes can put anyone in a good mood. oh also! my retreat group is coming TONIGHT!! ahh i´m so nervous, but really pumped--it´s villanova, and i´ve only heard amazing things about them. i´m excited to walk through this experience with them, and see Duran through their eyes. i think it will be a nice refresher to some of the things that i have gotten immune to, and also bring in some new perspectives about this community. a great learning experience for both of us....so as nervous as i am, i really hope it goes well, and would appreciate any prayers you all have to offer up to them and to me for this upcoming ten days! added perk--no work this week!!! woot woot! but i will inevitably be exhausted i´m sure, i´ve heard retreat groups take SO much out of you, but are well worth it in the end...time will tell...

alright, well i´ve gotta run---still so many things to do before they get here, and we have BINGO tonight at our church at 7---talk about excitement, no seriously, im excited! ha

i know i owe so many people personal emails, but we have lost power three times this week and the internet has not been functioning here in arbolito---i promise i will get back to you, i just can´t say when, it might not be for another ten days after this group, but i have not forgotten!

i love and miss you all, and thank you for your continued support! i´m smiling as i write this knowing that it´s saturday for you as well, and hopefully the majority of you are relaxing and taking in a nice october evening!

con un abrazo y un monton de besitos,
lupita

a crazy day at semillas...you mean everyday?

so yesterday we had a bleeder---and boy was it a bleeder....

typical start to semillas---around 30 kids, hot as hell, buenas tardes niños, etc., usual start up---things were going pretty well for the first hour, lots of noise, lots of kids, but all within the normal of chaos. during recreo i was sitting talking with one of the new girls who was there for the first time, all very peaceful and quiet, trying to help her with her english hw when Luis (remember el poo poo) runs up to me screaming and crying: "Abrahan se cayo!! golpeo su cabeza Abrahan se cayo!! (he fell, he hit his head!)" complete panic in his face...so i get up and start running with him over to the playground area where Abrahan is, and when i get there i literally almost threw up. kind of like that feeling when you get the wind knocked out of you. there was little abrahan, 4 years old, sitting COVERED in blood. like when i tell you his entire face, his entire shirt, arms, everything, covered in blood. and he´s sitting there screaming bloody murder. at that moment i almost went into panic mode and started freaking out, BUT i knew i had to stay calm for his sake and put on the nurse face. the fact that he was conscious and breathing and screaming was a good thing, so i just scooped him up and started running--to where? i really had no idea, so i headed to one of the classrooms-- luckily the kid only weighs about twenty pounds.

*Later Dan, Karla and I joked about their perceptions of what they thought i looked like throughout this drama: Karla: "you looked like you were part of a scene in Hotel Rwanda" ---Dan: "you looked like David Hasselhoff in Baywatch"---yeah, not really sure what else to say about that ha. i think i´d rather portray Don Cheadle any day than David Hasselhoff haha

so of course by now this scene has attracted pretty much every other kid at semillas so along with screaming abrahan i´ve got about 20 other kids asking me ¿que paso, que paso? luckily we had a bunch of ayudantes helping us out and they shooed them out of the room. after laying abrahan down and looking for the source of the blood we realized that it wasn´t really as bad as it looked, yeah it was a gash, but definitely not going to kill him. it was just the enormous amount of blood that scared everyone, as it would anywhere.

in the states he probably would´ve gotten a staple or two, definitely at least a trip to the ED, but here, no hay. so once he was all cleaned up, i.e. basically stripped down to just his shorts, he calmed a little, but then when he looked at his little scooby doo t-shirt covered in blood and started screaming again. so now we´re all like it´s okay, its just a t-shirt, and he´s saying, no, no, de pega, de pega---meaning, "i´m gonna get hit, if i come home with this dirty bloody shirt". that´s when i pretty much lost it. here´s this poor kid, so traumatized by the blood, and then by the cut, and now all he can worry about is when he goes home with his bloody t-shirt he´s going to get hit. oh! and how can i forget, when his sister saw him, Carmen, who´s 7, she had a panic attack, again not because he fell and got hurt, but because she was gonna get beat for not taking care of him. yeah she´s 7.....the whole absurdity of the situation was just too extreme for me. i just got so angry and upset. so of course what did i do---i take abrahans clothes, run home, and scrub the shitt out of them, getting every bit of blood and dirt out so that these kids won´t get hit for having ruined them. i was practically in tears, but so determined to "fix" this situation.

when i got back to semillas i revealed the newly cleaned shirt and again tried to calm Carmen and Abrahan down, also explaining to them that we would go to their house after semillas and talk to their parents. they were still worried, but we got through the rest of the afternoon. it was just such a crazy day i can´t even explain. luckily things at their house went down well and as far as we know, no one got hit after the fact. it´s hard too because we know kids sometimes exaggerate and say "my mom´s gonna beat me if she finds out"-- i´m pretty sure we´ve all at some point made this comment, but here, when kids say it, it´s usually whats happening in the house. parent´s use violence as discipline---kids get beat when they do something wrong---that´s why there´s so much violence at semillas...whenever something goes wrong with whatever a kid is doing, their first instinct is to hit, punch, or kick the kid that offended them. it´s just so frustrating. as much as we try to "use our words" or "talk it out", there is no reinforcement of this back in the casa. so yeah...you can imagine how shot my nerves were by the end of the day :-)

on a happier note---yesterday was my first day driving in Duran! and i did really well! Megan took me out around the neighborhood and i only stalled like 3 times. very successful if i do say so---not only was i driving standard, but a huge ass truck!(and for all of you who´ve seen george, you know i´m a foreigner when it comes to suvs/trucks)

another happy note, mondays are mail days! probably my favorite day of the week (well when i get mail anyway) and yesterday i got not 1 but 3 packages!!! all from my mom of course, but they were filled with lots of sweets and the most recent People mag which made me so happy! i felt like i was back in voute 509 eating a granola bar reading about the latest john and kate drama---a very peaceful evening at least! i´ve also received so many great letters since i´ve been here which is just so awesome---having something tangible to keep reading, especially after a tough day really makes so much of a difference---i can´t thank you all enough for those! especially Jen, Kaki, Nicole, Robbie, Amanda, and in particular my grandma who sends me a letter a week! how special do i feel!

so that about sums up the latest here in ecua-world....i´ve still been hanging out with lupe regularly, eating many breakfasts and lunches with her throughout the weeks, with lots of other snacks throughout the day! everytime i walk by her house i always feeling like she´s handing me something, an orange, or a caramelo, or a chicken leg! she shouts, "lupita, venga!" and i know she´s got something to share with me ha, it´s both a great thing and a dangerous thing! and no one takes no for an answer here, if they offer, you take. punto.

well i´ve gotta hit the road, dinner will be ready soon, and i don´t wanna be late! hope all is well in the US----keep me posted on the latest news! i still miss you all everyday and hope that you´re all smiling and laughing a ton!

lots of love being sent your way, abrazos fuerte y muchos besitos,
lupita

Who would´ve thought?

Don´t have much time today, but I just wanted to give a quick thought about my work at Redima.

So this past week, I worked one on one with a new pediatrician named Viviana---she was helping our clinic out this week because our pedi doc was on vacation. Viviana is 33 years old, so sweet, vibrant, funny, and an awesome teacher! When I first met her, she was just so warm and wanted to know if i´d like to help her. I of course said sure, and this past week we worked as such a dynamic team.

While many of you know, kids are not my forte, you´d be surprised to know how much fun I had this week. Viviana let me do basically all of the assessments and asked me what I thought and what meds I would prescribe and what was normal and what wasn´t. It felt like I was back in clinical, just doing everything in spanish. This past week I saw a girl with appendicitis, an extreme case of thrush like i´ve never seen before, a broken leg (two weeks after the break), and many MANY cases of asthma and bronchitis. Oh and how can I forget Giardia---EVERYONE here has giardia!

All of the sudden, my nursing knowledge is coming back to me, and i´m back in the swing of doing that lovely nursing process. Subjective data, objective data, lung sounds, bowel sounds, reflexes, lab values, teaching, explaining, caring---dare to care, anyone? ha--sorry had to.

I finally feel like I´m doing the work i´m supposed to be doing. Not that anything is or was beneath me because its not, but working with a pedi doc is really challenging me, and pushing my assessment skills outside the box. I´m learning how to do an exam in Spanish, i´m learning how to explain disease processes in spanish, and i´m learning all of the different meds in spanish. It´s exhausting, but at the same time, I can´t get over how much my mind is expanding. While I still don´t know if i´d like to pursue being a pedi NP after this, I am really starting to consider getting my masters immediately after this year. Becoming a family NP is something that I have thought about a lot, because I really love clinic work and feel that basic primary care is ESSENTIAL in healthcare.

Viviana is unfortunately only with us for another week, but her clinic is on the other side of town, and i´ve been told I could work there a day or two every week. I am elated with this idea, and am definitely going to look into this possibility. It´s funny too because I feel like if I did stay around boston to pursue a masters, like i contemplated, Viviana would be someone who i´d love to have as a preceptor, and look at that---it´s like God was watching out for me! I swear, things happen for a reason.

So yeah--life at Redima is good. Semillas---well that´s another story, but I don´t even wanna get into it because i´m in a good mood right now. Let´s just say TGIF.

Tomorrow we´re going out to CHIFA, ha a chinese restaurant, to celebrate steve´s birthday! woot woot! Last night we had a really fun community night where we played Tom´s version of monopoly--let´s just say it was interesting, involved a lot of dancing, question asking, and playing flip cup with Tang ha, what can i say, we make due with what we´ve got here! The best part for me was passing GO and collecting TWO chocolate chips! heaven i swear! At this point my cravings for sweets have gotten out of control---what I wouldn´t do for a freaking bag of m and ms!!!!

Oh and a quick family update---my parents are leaving for Italy one week from today!!! so excited for them, and also, my brother is going to be able to fly over and meet them from Spain! so awesome right! so please keep them and safe travels in your prayers.

Also, my grandmother had bypass surgery this past week, and thankfully is recovering well. It was definitely a shock to me when I heard this, and although I´ve been worrying a lot, she´s doing better. Please keep her in your hearts as she enters into a long road of recovery and rehab. She´s such a trooper and i´m just so grateful that the surgery went well.

Sending you all my love, and lots of besitos!
Paz,
Jamie

Respira

First---I need to thank all of you. Thank you for your emails, your comments, and most of all your prayers. The outpouring of love I received after that last blog entry was unreal. You are all so special to me, and the words you wrote felt like you were right here with me, talking me through these hard times.

I need to let you all know that I am doing MUCH better. After many tears and lots of conversations, my head is finally clearing, and I can see the forest through the trees. I have started really focusing on living moment by moment, and allowing the chaos to pass me while keeping the peace. There are probably about ten times each day where I just need to step back and remind myself to breathe...but this is definitely a good thing, and I recommend everyone take a try at this---it´s amazing how much we hold onto and forget to let go of.

So probably the highlight of this past week was being introduced to my new best friend here in Ecuador. And shocking, guess what her name is....yes that´s right, LUPE!!! it´s like it was fate. We were destined to be friends. Lupe is a long time friend of Rostro, and I had the pleasure of meeting her last week over a delicious lunch she prepared. When I tell you we are the same person, we are the same person, well except that she´s 45 and i´m only 22, but you get the idea. Her house is adorable, so clean, so neat, beautifully decorated, and so full of love. She has three kids and three grandchildren all who are adorable.

The first conversation we had was right when I was going through my "spell" of sadness, and I just started balling when she was talking about how while we´re here in Ecuador, she is here to be whatever we need her to be, be that friend, sister, mentor, or temporary mom. Her house was open to us whenever, and we could spend as much time or as little time there as we wanted to there. She could cook for us, sit with us, go to the market with us, or just laugh with us, whenever we needed. Her door will always be open, and arms always ready to pick us up when we need it. Well...after that little speech, I lost it. Literally, I was just sobbing there on her couch. Feeling so broken, while at the same time so relieved. Not to mention that the soundtrack from Forrest Gump was playing in the background. It was all very cathartic, and I tried to explain as best I could that she was exactly what I needed in Ecuador. The whole thing was very comforting, very loving, very Hallmark, but so soothing.

After that, we´ve been off and running. I hang out there A LOT, and have already become close friends with her family. I think they´ve really taken me under their wing, and kind of adore the fact that i´m the "little lupe". Fate I tell you. She made me the most delicious breakfast the other day with coffee that I desperately needed. I just love laughing with her, and enjoy hearing her stories. I feel very safe at that house, and know it is going to be a house that I continue spending a lot of time at.

Oh and well sometimes my spanish fails me, while talking to Lupe, and I don´t have the words to say what I need to, or to understand what she´s telling me. So funny story. After one morning I spent with Lupe, Theresa goes over there to have lunch. Theresa comes home and tells me all about the "trip" Lupe and I are planning with her family--how we´re going to the "finca" (her farm house in the country), and how excited we are over it, and how we´re just waiting to pick a date. Theresa was like how come you didn´t tell us you were going, and I was like uhhh, I didn´t know we were even planning a trip. I thought we were just talking about her other house in the country. However sometime during that long winded conversation, she must have asked me if I wanted to go, I agreed, and then we started preparing for a time when we would leave. This is a perfect example of how sometimes I MISS sooo much of what in the world we´re even talking about--- in so many of the conversations I have here in Ecuador ha. Luckily I didn´t agree to giving away my first born, because I feel like I could have just as easily done that! haha

Needless to say, Lupe is bringing me a lot of joy here in Ecuador, and she is part of the main reason I am feeling better, feeling lighter. My community has also been stellar. We had a really fun community night last night where we just laughed and laughed. Very much overdue.

So here are a few closing thoughts for you all as I head out to plan for Semillas first "paseo" or field trip today. (we´re going to be watching UP in our retreat house with popcorn and soda---i´m so relieved because only 14 of the best kids from the week are coming, and it´s going to be a really chill afternoon):

1. Something I love here in Ecuador is walking by the local panaderias and smelling the sweet scent of fresh baked bread every morning. There are so many ugly smells that I encounter daily, but because the panaderias are dispersed pretty evenly, it makes for a nice balance of really great smelling thing to offset the awful scents, ie burning trash, poop, etc.

2. I came home the other day and there were about 7 cows in our frontyard, I couldn´t help but start laughing and shake my head....oh Ecuador.

3. Tonight we´re going to the airport to pick up the 4 returning volunteers who are going to be working at the new site in Mt. Sinaii: Amy, Carolyn, Danny, and Tracy. I am sooo excited to see them, and it´s going to be really great to get to talk with them again, along with see them sporatically throughout the year.

4. At Redima I went on my first home visit out in El Recreo yesterday. Michele and I visited with a woman who has HIV and checked in on her health and children. Although a very sad experience that disturbed me a lot, I felt that this was one of those times that I felt pure human connection. Her speech was severely impacted by the disease along with her cognitive functioning, but just sitting there and talking with her for that short time reminded me of what our mission is here. Being. The simple idea of being with someone and letting them know that they are not alone. I was uncomfortable throughout most of the time, but I think that was a good thing. It made it more real, more human.

5. Finally, I wanted to share with you all that my brother made it safely to Spain, and is adjusting very nicely. Maybe even having a little too much fun, but i´m glad he´s also experiencing something exciting and new. It´s funny how being thousands of miles away from each other is actually bringing us closer. I don´t think we´ve ever sent this many emails back and forth to each other, but it´s something I really love and look forward to.

So again, thank you ALL!!! for your continued support! In no particular order Mom and Dad, the Kelly´s/Altieris, Jacki, Leslie, Gisele, Theresa, Jen, Katie, I can´t write all of your names, but please, please KNOW that I am so grateful, and appreciative of all that you have given to me. I feel the love regardless of the fact that i´m all the way over here in Ecuador.

LOVEEE YOU SOOO MUCHHH,
Lupita

So this is culture shock...

I wasn´t sure if I was going to write a blog this week, only because well, my week wasn´t so great. I thought, why would I want them to hear about my homesickness, my frustration, and my sadness...that just doesn´t sound good---but then I rethought it, and figured it´s better to share what i´m going through then keep it bottled up. I guess in a way, I was trying to censor you all, so that I could seem stronger, and less vulnerable...But let´s face it, we all have moments that are tougher than others. This was just one of those weeks.

It´s hard to describe but this past week I just haven´t been myself. Little things have been getting to me, i´m increasingly irritable, somewhat obsessed with cleaning, and more and more I retreat to the isolation of my room. I am frustrated everyday and am trying so hard to be positive, but my efforts just seem futile. Both Semillas and Redima were two things this week that I was just not into. The kids bothered me, and my co-workers were constantly on my nerves. It´s so hard to fake happiness too, especially for me because my emotions are blatantly visible to all based on my body language and face. Essentially what it comes down to is homesickness and culture shock--each thing is perpetuating the negatives of the other.

I miss home, I miss my bed, I miss my morning coffee and yogurt with berries. I want to be able to go out at night, and not have to worry about safety. I want to be able to come home after a long day and not have to cook for six people. I don´t want to have to deal with hundreds of thousands of ants!! I want to be able to run outside by myself. I don´t want to speak spanish 24/7, and I don´t want to eat any more stinking bananas. I want to have breakfast at Cristy´s and eat pancakes, and more than anything I want to be around my family and friends.

I am definitely struggling, and trying so hard to be okay. My community sees it too, and that´s another reason why this is so hard. I want to be able to open up to them, and for them to see me, but for some reason I resist. It´s still so difficult to be myself with them, and there is always that fear that i´m burdening them with too much. I know they want to help me, but it´s hard to make yourself vulnerable.

But we are a community, and we are supposed to be there for one another. I know they struggle too, but I think some of them are just better at letting the little things go, where for me, it´s the little things that really get to me.

This morning we had a 3 hour reflection on the pillar of community, what it means, when does it bring us joy, and when does it bring us difficulty. I think if anything, this discussion made me reflect on what a gift i´ve been given--this gift of living in community, learning from others, and seeing the need for all of us in this situation; we are each a part of something greater than ourselves-- but it also put a lot of emphasis on how this idea of community will be something we constantly struggle with--how it´s also the hardest part of Ecuador.

I know I will get through this rough patch; it is something we will all go through at some point. We all need to be broken and recognize our brokeness before we can fully understand the complexity of this experience and how much we can grow from it. This is something we talk about all the time, I guess I just didn´t realize that it would hit me so hard.

I´m sorry if this was a little more negative than what you all were hoping, but it´s something that´s heavy on my heart, so instead of pretending that everything is just ducky, I figured I´d be honest with you all.

Know that I still continue to pray for you all and miss you more than you know. Keep sending emails and updating me on your lives---it always puts a smile on my face when I can see your names in my inbox :-)

Love you muchisimo,
lupita